Okay, so my broodiness has been under control since the day Amelia was born. Yep, I wanted another baby as soon as we had her. Not in the "this is easy, lets do it again" or even the "she's growing up, I need a baby again" but because I love it. Being a Mum is the best thing I have ever done (is it okay to start a blog entry so deep and meaningful?) I just knew instantly that I wanted a big family, I wanted to build up this big family around me (not that I don't have a big family already, I do and love it) and for James.
So, 14 months down the line and all of a sudden, everybody is having babies. Yes, everybody. All of my cousins are pregnant, all 3 of them. I love them dearly, they're fantastic mothers, but just how envious am I right now?! Then there's my friends - yep, you guessed it, they're all at it! A few are pregnant, a few are trying. Then, there's me. Totally caught up in the wonderfulness of being a Mummy to our darling daughter but completely uneasy at her having to share me (and Daddy) with another baby. Financially, next year would be fab, summer time onwards, give us plenty of time to save, so I could have the full 9 months off work, but my heart keeps whispering things like "go on, what's a few months?"
James, being a practical and sensible man keeps telling me its okay to wait, we don't have to follow the crowd, we don't have to give in to our impulses and deep down, I know he's right, but that doesn't help my heart who is so desperate to extend our family, to give Amelia a sibling, to go through all those lovely stages again, to be pregnant, feel a gorgeous little bundle growing inside my tummy, being its lifeline. It's such a magical feeling, I loved every second of pregnancy, minus the 14 weeks of morning sickness! Then, reality checks in with the reminders that Amelia sleep isn't getting better, in fact, over the past few weeks, it has got worse. The thing is, with things like that, I can justify them with "she'll have 9 months to improve" or "I'll be up with new baby anyway and won't have to go into the office next day..."
So, back to being in the middle again. Head says no, wait. Heart says do it, do it now. Who knows what will happen? Maybe it will be taken out of our hands and happen itself? Maybe one day James will just say "lets try now" and surprise me. Maybe Amelia will start sleeping through. Well, you never know. Still, at least its not something we have to make a decision on right now. At the moment we have a plan and shall be sticking to that. 2 down and 4 to go...
Friday, 6 November 2009
Thursday, 29 October 2009
I've discovered the worst part of parenting...
It seems quite obvious nowI think about it, but it wasn't really one of the 'worries' I had whilst pregnant or even when Amelia was a newborn, but now, at 14 months, I realise that for the past 11 months I have been coping with something (obviously not as much as Amelia is having to cope with it) that really is an awful part of parenting. It is going to sound really silly, because I'm sure that some babies do it with ease, some parents hardly notice its going on and take it in their stride, but in our house, in this family, it is the worst thing ever and I can't wait for it all to be over!
So, if you haven't guessed already - I'm talking about teething. I knew this recent patch of teething that Amelia is going through was worse than anything she'd been through before but I just didn't know why. We thought it could be due to the fact it is the back teeth coming through this time. However, today, I discovered that number 11 and 12 are almost through at the bottom and right behind them, in big, swollen red lumps are numbers 13 and 14. Ouch. So that's 9 and 10, 11 and 12 plus 13 and 14 all trying their best to come through at the same time.
The worst thing about having a baby (or toddler as so many people are reminding me!) is that you can't take the pain away from them and they can't tell you or explain the pain and where its actually hurting. Nothing is worse than seeing them in pain when you can't really fix it.
Still, we are over half way now and I'm hoping that the rest of the peggies come quieter, softer and without pain for our darling daughter.
Whilst Im here, I thought it would be good to jot down some of the developmental stuff that Amelia is doing at the moment. She is 14 months, has been walking for 6 months, communicating all the time with us, up and down the stairs, words are cat, mummy, daddy, dada, dad, nan, Jack, Granddad, no, yes, up, down, please, ta, duck, quack. My mind has now gone blank but we think its about 20 words so far. She dances, 3 different dances as well now, she copies things so well, she even puts her fists up ready for a fight and growls at you if you prompt her! She even says cheese! for photos now too! Bless her. She is climbing everywhere and can safely get down from beds and the sofa on her own. Her favourite food is still fruit but she also loves anything cheesy or with tomato. She drinks an awful lot of water, which is fab and still has her morning bottle (although its reducing) an afternoon cup of milk and her favourite being her bedtime bottle.
Well, thats my update for now! Laters! x
So, if you haven't guessed already - I'm talking about teething. I knew this recent patch of teething that Amelia is going through was worse than anything she'd been through before but I just didn't know why. We thought it could be due to the fact it is the back teeth coming through this time. However, today, I discovered that number 11 and 12 are almost through at the bottom and right behind them, in big, swollen red lumps are numbers 13 and 14. Ouch. So that's 9 and 10, 11 and 12 plus 13 and 14 all trying their best to come through at the same time.
The worst thing about having a baby (or toddler as so many people are reminding me!) is that you can't take the pain away from them and they can't tell you or explain the pain and where its actually hurting. Nothing is worse than seeing them in pain when you can't really fix it.
Still, we are over half way now and I'm hoping that the rest of the peggies come quieter, softer and without pain for our darling daughter.
Whilst Im here, I thought it would be good to jot down some of the developmental stuff that Amelia is doing at the moment. She is 14 months, has been walking for 6 months, communicating all the time with us, up and down the stairs, words are cat, mummy, daddy, dada, dad, nan, Jack, Granddad, no, yes, up, down, please, ta, duck, quack. My mind has now gone blank but we think its about 20 words so far. She dances, 3 different dances as well now, she copies things so well, she even puts her fists up ready for a fight and growls at you if you prompt her! She even says cheese! for photos now too! Bless her. She is climbing everywhere and can safely get down from beds and the sofa on her own. Her favourite food is still fruit but she also loves anything cheesy or with tomato. She drinks an awful lot of water, which is fab and still has her morning bottle (although its reducing) an afternoon cup of milk and her favourite being her bedtime bottle.
Well, thats my update for now! Laters! x
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
My baby is One.
I feel weird just writing that. "My baby is One". It's quite a contradiction. She isn't a baby at all anymore. In fact, if I am really honest with myself, she hasn't been a baby for 2 months, since she has been walking independently but I'm a believer that ignorance is bliss.
Thinking back to this time last year, I am filled with amazement, love, happiness, frustration and self criticism. Amazement that its flown by so quickly, love for the most precious thing in our lives, happiness for the joy she has brought into our lives but frustration that it took induction of 3 gels, waters being broken, a drip and 4 days to get her born! Talk about long winded. Oh and self criticism. Well 4 days? what was all that about? So many things I shall be doing differently second time round. So, back to the reminiscing. Established labour itself was amazing. For me it was so incredibly quick. It felt like one minute I was being hooked up to the drip, unable to stand, the next I was telling them I needed to push, then I did push and she was there within seconds. The last bit is true, it did only take 2 minutes and 2 pushes (however, I wish I held back with the pushing, then the stitches may not have been so bad..........ouch.........) If you were to ask James, he'd say it felt like days......
So, for my own benefit, Amelia's development is really coming on. Walking extremely confidently now, since 10 months, talking is great - words currently are Dad, Daddy, Dada, Mum, Nan, Grandad, up, down, yes, no, cat, bath, cup. I think there are more, but I have memory block. She climbs up and down the stairs too. Sleep is hit and miss (well, no baby is perfect) however, bedtime routine is brilliant. She gets grumpy and tearful walking up the stairs when she knows its bedtime, but once we do milk, story, cuddles, song, she's asleep in a few minutes. We still have 1-2 wakings. Normally just 1 around 4-5am when she wants her milk. No idea why as she has a full bottle at bedtime and is relatively a good eater. I have a "not before 5" rule for her, which is mostly acceptable to her.
So, the next step? Well, watching her develop her speech is lots of fun, watching her kiss everything and everybody she meets (including all the bears on the bed before sleep time) and her understanding when we are speaking to her. Its a lovely age, just need to fix the sleep a bit if we can.
Incredibly broody for another but my sensible, practical side (called my husband) says to wait till she's 2..... wonder how much convincing he'd take?!
Thinking back to this time last year, I am filled with amazement, love, happiness, frustration and self criticism. Amazement that its flown by so quickly, love for the most precious thing in our lives, happiness for the joy she has brought into our lives but frustration that it took induction of 3 gels, waters being broken, a drip and 4 days to get her born! Talk about long winded. Oh and self criticism. Well 4 days? what was all that about? So many things I shall be doing differently second time round. So, back to the reminiscing. Established labour itself was amazing. For me it was so incredibly quick. It felt like one minute I was being hooked up to the drip, unable to stand, the next I was telling them I needed to push, then I did push and she was there within seconds. The last bit is true, it did only take 2 minutes and 2 pushes (however, I wish I held back with the pushing, then the stitches may not have been so bad..........ouch.........) If you were to ask James, he'd say it felt like days......
So, for my own benefit, Amelia's development is really coming on. Walking extremely confidently now, since 10 months, talking is great - words currently are Dad, Daddy, Dada, Mum, Nan, Grandad, up, down, yes, no, cat, bath, cup. I think there are more, but I have memory block. She climbs up and down the stairs too. Sleep is hit and miss (well, no baby is perfect) however, bedtime routine is brilliant. She gets grumpy and tearful walking up the stairs when she knows its bedtime, but once we do milk, story, cuddles, song, she's asleep in a few minutes. We still have 1-2 wakings. Normally just 1 around 4-5am when she wants her milk. No idea why as she has a full bottle at bedtime and is relatively a good eater. I have a "not before 5" rule for her, which is mostly acceptable to her.
So, the next step? Well, watching her develop her speech is lots of fun, watching her kiss everything and everybody she meets (including all the bears on the bed before sleep time) and her understanding when we are speaking to her. Its a lovely age, just need to fix the sleep a bit if we can.
Incredibly broody for another but my sensible, practical side (called my husband) says to wait till she's 2..... wonder how much convincing he'd take?!
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
So, Amelia is almost one... eeeek!
So, its been 3 months since I have had time to sit down and write a blog entry. That's really bad isn't it? Call myself a writer?!
Anyway, to say it feels surreal to be talking about Amelia's first birthday is a total understatement. What was once my 6lb baby girl is now a very independent, feisty, cheeky and incredibly adorable growing up too fast little lady.
I know every Mum must feel this way about their little ones but I don't think I could feel any prouder of her than I already do. She may not have crawled until she was 9 months but she was taking steps at 8 months and walking confidently outside at 10 months. People always stop us to ask how old she is, as she looks too small to be walking! We, being new to this parent malarkey know no different, so its a very bizarre feeling. Last weekend was a great example. We had popped into Sainsbugs to get some wine and dessert as Dad and Helen were coming to lunch and we realised we only had red wine and ice cream.... anyway, we put Amelia's little life backpack on her and walk into the shop. Straight away we started getting "awwwwwww" and "she's so cute and tiny" comments and then all the "she's young to be walking isnt she?" (I didnt think there were any hard and fast rules on walking????) but we were proud to say the least. I think the icing on the cake was on our way out when a member of staff said "oh wow, she's gorgeous, so tiny but so confident walking, oh and I LOVE her backpack!" Its a little bumble bee :)
So, what else do I need to tell you? Oh talking, yep, that's right, Amelia loves to chatter. I wonder where she gets that from.....seeing as Im the quiet one in the family.....!!! Her favourite word is cat. Unfortunately because of this, everything is a cat. If we're out and see a dog she goes "Muuuuuuuuuuuuum Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttt!!!!" or "daadaaaa loooooooook caaaaaaaattttttt!!" its so funny, she gets so incredibly excited and then when we tell her "No, darling, that's a dog. Duh oooo ggggg. Hmmm. It doesnt go down that well if Im honest. Im sure inside her mind she's thinking "how odd, my own parents don't even know a cat when they see one, even though we have 2 small ones at home!" Other words include up, yes, no, down, nan, uh oh (another favourite) and cups. Its great when you can say "go get your cups Amelia, lets build a tower" and she toddles off to her toy basket to get the cups out. Amazing just how much she understands.
She also is loving brushing her teeth now. We do it together, so either with me or with Daddy. You can always tell she's excited to do it when she starts clapping, squeeling with excitement and stamping her feet. So sweet, bless her.
So, the plans for her party is well underway. We are having Chrissie (Musical Minis Leader) do an hour musical party. Ive got all the bits and bobs ready for games and party bags too. Oh and some room decs, just need a few more. We are having a family BBQ on the Sunday too. I have a feeling she's going to be a very spoilt little girl!
I never realised just how much being a Mummy would change me. My priorites shifted so suddenly but we're totally loving it. I can't wait for our family to get even bigger. Watch this space!
Anyway, to say it feels surreal to be talking about Amelia's first birthday is a total understatement. What was once my 6lb baby girl is now a very independent, feisty, cheeky and incredibly adorable growing up too fast little lady.
I know every Mum must feel this way about their little ones but I don't think I could feel any prouder of her than I already do. She may not have crawled until she was 9 months but she was taking steps at 8 months and walking confidently outside at 10 months. People always stop us to ask how old she is, as she looks too small to be walking! We, being new to this parent malarkey know no different, so its a very bizarre feeling. Last weekend was a great example. We had popped into Sainsbugs to get some wine and dessert as Dad and Helen were coming to lunch and we realised we only had red wine and ice cream.... anyway, we put Amelia's little life backpack on her and walk into the shop. Straight away we started getting "awwwwwww" and "she's so cute and tiny" comments and then all the "she's young to be walking isnt she?" (I didnt think there were any hard and fast rules on walking????) but we were proud to say the least. I think the icing on the cake was on our way out when a member of staff said "oh wow, she's gorgeous, so tiny but so confident walking, oh and I LOVE her backpack!" Its a little bumble bee :)
So, what else do I need to tell you? Oh talking, yep, that's right, Amelia loves to chatter. I wonder where she gets that from.....seeing as Im the quiet one in the family.....!!! Her favourite word is cat. Unfortunately because of this, everything is a cat. If we're out and see a dog she goes "Muuuuuuuuuuuuum Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttt!!!!" or "daadaaaa loooooooook caaaaaaaattttttt!!" its so funny, she gets so incredibly excited and then when we tell her "No, darling, that's a dog. Duh oooo ggggg. Hmmm. It doesnt go down that well if Im honest. Im sure inside her mind she's thinking "how odd, my own parents don't even know a cat when they see one, even though we have 2 small ones at home!" Other words include up, yes, no, down, nan, uh oh (another favourite) and cups. Its great when you can say "go get your cups Amelia, lets build a tower" and she toddles off to her toy basket to get the cups out. Amazing just how much she understands.
She also is loving brushing her teeth now. We do it together, so either with me or with Daddy. You can always tell she's excited to do it when she starts clapping, squeeling with excitement and stamping her feet. So sweet, bless her.
So, the plans for her party is well underway. We are having Chrissie (Musical Minis Leader) do an hour musical party. Ive got all the bits and bobs ready for games and party bags too. Oh and some room decs, just need a few more. We are having a family BBQ on the Sunday too. I have a feeling she's going to be a very spoilt little girl!
I never realised just how much being a Mummy would change me. My priorites shifted so suddenly but we're totally loving it. I can't wait for our family to get even bigger. Watch this space!
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
I never find time to write this Blog now...
I don't know why but I'm finding it really hard to keep my blog updated, which is really annoying because this is where I can openly air my thoughts and feelings and remind myself of all of Amelia's achievements and developmental stages.
So, a bit of a catch up.... I have been back at work for 3 months (don't ask, it isn't going that brilliantly) but on a more positive note Amelia is really enjoying nursery and seems to be getting a lot out of it. She is naturally a socialible baby, but nursery has encouraged this even more and has also encouraged her development too. Although the crawling (or lack of) is a bit of a frustration (for her as well as me!) she seems to want to move onto walking first. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, seeing as she isn't even 9 months old yet. I was quite pleased for her last night though. She got up onto her knees to reach out for a toy that was a little in front of where she was playing. She did manage to shuffle forward to grab it, eventually. Bless her. I'm not worried about her in the slightest. She is a very feisty and independent baby that's for sure and wont be told what or how to do things! (yes, this is all very familiar....!) I do love her little personality. She certainly keeps us all on our toes and forever smiling. She has taken 5 steps so far unaided and its only a matter of time now before she's off on her own. Very scary thought. She has 4 teeth too. The bottom middle 2 and then top middle 1 and then the one to the left of that, so a side one. They look very funny :)
So, my baby girl is growing up. Saturday she even grabbed James' face and said "DADA!" when I told her to wake up her Daddy. How on Earth does she know that already? Okay, so we say "Dadadada" to her a fair bit, but surely she's too young to know what or who I mean!? Amazing.
I even have some of her birthday planned as well, as sad as I am seeing my baby girl grow, its a really exciting time too. She makes me smile each and everyday. :)
So, a bit of a catch up.... I have been back at work for 3 months (don't ask, it isn't going that brilliantly) but on a more positive note Amelia is really enjoying nursery and seems to be getting a lot out of it. She is naturally a socialible baby, but nursery has encouraged this even more and has also encouraged her development too. Although the crawling (or lack of) is a bit of a frustration (for her as well as me!) she seems to want to move onto walking first. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, seeing as she isn't even 9 months old yet. I was quite pleased for her last night though. She got up onto her knees to reach out for a toy that was a little in front of where she was playing. She did manage to shuffle forward to grab it, eventually. Bless her. I'm not worried about her in the slightest. She is a very feisty and independent baby that's for sure and wont be told what or how to do things! (yes, this is all very familiar....!) I do love her little personality. She certainly keeps us all on our toes and forever smiling. She has taken 5 steps so far unaided and its only a matter of time now before she's off on her own. Very scary thought. She has 4 teeth too. The bottom middle 2 and then top middle 1 and then the one to the left of that, so a side one. They look very funny :)
So, my baby girl is growing up. Saturday she even grabbed James' face and said "DADA!" when I told her to wake up her Daddy. How on Earth does she know that already? Okay, so we say "Dadadada" to her a fair bit, but surely she's too young to know what or who I mean!? Amazing.
I even have some of her birthday planned as well, as sad as I am seeing my baby girl grow, its a really exciting time too. She makes me smile each and everyday. :)
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Feeling better about nursery...finally...
So, Amelia has been at nursery for a few weeks now. I think its fair to say I totally underestimated how it would feel to go back to my old routine, although its slightly different now Amelia is here. Mornings are run with military precision (well as much as they can be) and evenings don't start for me until she's in her cot sleeping, but other than that, the going to work, my job, colleagues, etc have all stayed the same.
I ring nursery everyday (she only goes 2 days a week though) at lunch time to check she's having a good day, how she's coping, blah, blah blah and today was a relief to say the least. I normally ask about naps, nappies and food and thank them for putting up with my calls and hang up but today I actually thought about the call before I made it and wrote a couple of things down that I wanted to ask them (why is now I'm a Mummy I am unable to remember anything for a few minutes and have to rely on copious amounts of post it notes stuck here there and everywhere?) so, I ring and spoke to one of the girls (who is used to me ringing now) and she went through in detail Amelia's morning. She is having a really good day, she is eating more, being offered savoury and sweet at both meal times, lots of water throughout the day (one of my questions was this) and although her solid nappies are rather unsolid-like, she seems to be getting the hang of this nursery malarkey and taking it in her stride. That's my girl.
It feels weird that she is coping without me, good weird, but weird none the less. Today the nursery staff have given me the confidence that I am doing the right thing by sending her there and that she is safe, well and above all else - happy. To me, as long as she's happy, I'm happy and that's all that truly matters.
I ring nursery everyday (she only goes 2 days a week though) at lunch time to check she's having a good day, how she's coping, blah, blah blah and today was a relief to say the least. I normally ask about naps, nappies and food and thank them for putting up with my calls and hang up but today I actually thought about the call before I made it and wrote a couple of things down that I wanted to ask them (why is now I'm a Mummy I am unable to remember anything for a few minutes and have to rely on copious amounts of post it notes stuck here there and everywhere?) so, I ring and spoke to one of the girls (who is used to me ringing now) and she went through in detail Amelia's morning. She is having a really good day, she is eating more, being offered savoury and sweet at both meal times, lots of water throughout the day (one of my questions was this) and although her solid nappies are rather unsolid-like, she seems to be getting the hang of this nursery malarkey and taking it in her stride. That's my girl.
It feels weird that she is coping without me, good weird, but weird none the less. Today the nursery staff have given me the confidence that I am doing the right thing by sending her there and that she is safe, well and above all else - happy. To me, as long as she's happy, I'm happy and that's all that truly matters.
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Second trip to hospital in 6 months..
Amelia has had a cold for a few days now but has caught a cough to go with it. For the past couple of days she has been coughing a fair bit, until she almost chokes and last night she did it again but didnt take a breath straight afterwards. I went into total panic mode (which is surprising as I'm normally the calm one in a crisis) but thankfully James was calm and helped me. We rang NHS Direct for some advice as I was unsure of what the right thing to do was when a baby starts to choke. Anyway they put me through to a nurse who wanted her to be checked over by a doctor (for chest infection etc) so sorted out a call to the out of office doctor for us, who rang us back within 10 minutes. I was feeding Amelia at the time so James spoke to him and then said "Get her dressed, we need to get her checked over at the hospital". I was relieved that somebody was going to check her over (I hate worrying about her when she's poorly) but it reminded me so much of when we had to take her to hospital when she was just 4 days old and refused to feed. I now officially hate hospitals.
Anyway, after a 2 hour wait we were seen and checked over by a lovely nurse and then a very lovely health visitor. We were given cream for the sore bit she has under her neck but her chest, ears and eyes are all okay. She had a whole body check over which was very reassuring.
We got home completely exhausted and went to bed around 11pm. Amelia continued to cough a bit but nothing as bad as before and didnt choke or cough up any nasties but had to have several hugs and cuddles from Mummy through out the night.
Being a Mummy is the most rewarding but the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope the good, rewarding times out weigh the bad and scary moments from now on. xx
Anyway, after a 2 hour wait we were seen and checked over by a lovely nurse and then a very lovely health visitor. We were given cream for the sore bit she has under her neck but her chest, ears and eyes are all okay. She had a whole body check over which was very reassuring.
We got home completely exhausted and went to bed around 11pm. Amelia continued to cough a bit but nothing as bad as before and didnt choke or cough up any nasties but had to have several hugs and cuddles from Mummy through out the night.
Being a Mummy is the most rewarding but the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope the good, rewarding times out weigh the bad and scary moments from now on. xx
Monday, 2 March 2009
So, I'm now back to working for a living....
To be honest, I'm not sure if I like it either! Actually, that's a bit of a fib, but it is a very weird feeling being back in the office after concentrating on being pregnant and then looking after Amelia for the past 7 months.
So today is my second week back at work and I'm feeling okay about things. It is still very hard to say goodbye to Amelia in the mornings when she goes off with Daddy to nursery/Aunty Kat's, so I try not to say goodbye at all, as the word alone is enough to tip me over the edge into soppy Mummy mode. Instead, I say "have a good day/have fun sweetheart" as I genuinely want her to have a good day without me. I want her to be able to adapt to different situations, different people and feel confident and happy in other people's company. I know its going to be good for her development. Learning to play independently and with other babies of the same age is going to be really good for her when she goes to school. We are hoping it will give her the confidence to go to school and be without us for the day, as she'll have had a couple of years of that at nursery beforehand.
However, even though that is all well and good, there is still a huge black cloud of guilt that hangs over my head by not being with her full time. At the end of the day, sadly. all boils down to the fact that the mortgage has to be paid, the bills have to be paid and we have become comfortable with the lifestyle we have (not that its rich or anything, just comnfortable) and this is the life we want for us and for Amelia. Monday's are very hard. I end up walking to work and being alone with my thoughts of "what if James could earn more money so I could work less and be with Amelia more" or "what if we carried on renting instead of buying a house with a HUGE mortgage to pay every month" or "what if we waited until we had more money before having her". I know its natural to feel that way and I wouldnt change her for the world - she has added so much more fulfilment to our lives that I could ever imagine but I just want the best for her and in my eyes, that's spending time with me (or at least family) and I cant give her all that just yet.
I am ringing the nursery once a day at lunch time to find out how she's doing and today she is okay, a bit grizzly but nowhere near as bad as last Monday, so I'm hoping she is on her way to adapting to our new routine that we both have to get used to. Its hard, really hard thinking about her and worrying about her but with a new promotion at work, I am trying to keep my mind busy with other things.
Another thing I have found incredibly difficult is keeping up together with the housework chores. I am working extra hours during the week so I can leave early on a Friday, which means when I get home in the evenings, all I really have time for is cooking the evening meal. Amelia's bedtime routine means she's in bed sleeping by 8.30pm but I'm knackered by then and want to relax until bedtime. If only we could afford a cleaner - that would be so good!
So today is my second week back at work and I'm feeling okay about things. It is still very hard to say goodbye to Amelia in the mornings when she goes off with Daddy to nursery/Aunty Kat's, so I try not to say goodbye at all, as the word alone is enough to tip me over the edge into soppy Mummy mode. Instead, I say "have a good day/have fun sweetheart" as I genuinely want her to have a good day without me. I want her to be able to adapt to different situations, different people and feel confident and happy in other people's company. I know its going to be good for her development. Learning to play independently and with other babies of the same age is going to be really good for her when she goes to school. We are hoping it will give her the confidence to go to school and be without us for the day, as she'll have had a couple of years of that at nursery beforehand.
However, even though that is all well and good, there is still a huge black cloud of guilt that hangs over my head by not being with her full time. At the end of the day, sadly. all boils down to the fact that the mortgage has to be paid, the bills have to be paid and we have become comfortable with the lifestyle we have (not that its rich or anything, just comnfortable) and this is the life we want for us and for Amelia. Monday's are very hard. I end up walking to work and being alone with my thoughts of "what if James could earn more money so I could work less and be with Amelia more" or "what if we carried on renting instead of buying a house with a HUGE mortgage to pay every month" or "what if we waited until we had more money before having her". I know its natural to feel that way and I wouldnt change her for the world - she has added so much more fulfilment to our lives that I could ever imagine but I just want the best for her and in my eyes, that's spending time with me (or at least family) and I cant give her all that just yet.
I am ringing the nursery once a day at lunch time to find out how she's doing and today she is okay, a bit grizzly but nowhere near as bad as last Monday, so I'm hoping she is on her way to adapting to our new routine that we both have to get used to. Its hard, really hard thinking about her and worrying about her but with a new promotion at work, I am trying to keep my mind busy with other things.
Another thing I have found incredibly difficult is keeping up together with the housework chores. I am working extra hours during the week so I can leave early on a Friday, which means when I get home in the evenings, all I really have time for is cooking the evening meal. Amelia's bedtime routine means she's in bed sleeping by 8.30pm but I'm knackered by then and want to relax until bedtime. If only we could afford a cleaner - that would be so good!
Friday, 6 February 2009
5 Month update and I'm going back to work :(
Amelia will be 5 months old this Sunday. I really cannot believe how fast that time has flown by. She is rolling both ways now, sitting up unaided for a few minutes, moving from a sitting position to tummy and trying to crawl. She is also trying out some baby rice at dinner time and I tried some baby cereal (like porriage) this morning but it didn't go down too well, so we may try another flavour soon.
I have to say, the older she gets, the more hard work she gets too. Not only are her naps shorter, but she gets incredibly bored so easily, so we have to make sure she is being entertained all the time. Thank goodness for her musicial toys and door bouncer!
One really bad thing about Amelia at the moment is her sleepilng. She went from sleeping 8 hours and just waking once in the night for food, to sleeping just 6 hours and waking anything from once to three times in the night. Sometimes she'll settle easily but mostly it will take me a good half hour or even an hour to try and settle her back to sleep. I have put this down to teething which is the worst part of having a baby. To see her in so much pain and only be able to give her some teething gel and calpol really breaks my heart. I wish I could take the pain away from her, the poor little love, but I cant. Fingers crossed that once we have the weaning sorted out and the teeth through, life may be a bit easier for us all.
Oh and I have to have a little wobble about work. I only have 2 weeks left of my maternity leave before I have to return to work. It wont be so bad, Ive reduced my hours but the thought of Amelia going to nursery for 2 days and spending 1 day with my sister petrifies me. I know she'll be fine, but what if she wants her mummy? She is normally fine without me if Im not here but what if she isn't? It just doesn't bear thinking about does it? She is a confident baby, but she is also a very independent baby and she knows what she wants. Lets hope that she has so much fun, she will forget I'm not even there. How I will cope on the other hand is anybody's guess.
I have to say, the older she gets, the more hard work she gets too. Not only are her naps shorter, but she gets incredibly bored so easily, so we have to make sure she is being entertained all the time. Thank goodness for her musicial toys and door bouncer!
One really bad thing about Amelia at the moment is her sleepilng. She went from sleeping 8 hours and just waking once in the night for food, to sleeping just 6 hours and waking anything from once to three times in the night. Sometimes she'll settle easily but mostly it will take me a good half hour or even an hour to try and settle her back to sleep. I have put this down to teething which is the worst part of having a baby. To see her in so much pain and only be able to give her some teething gel and calpol really breaks my heart. I wish I could take the pain away from her, the poor little love, but I cant. Fingers crossed that once we have the weaning sorted out and the teeth through, life may be a bit easier for us all.
Oh and I have to have a little wobble about work. I only have 2 weeks left of my maternity leave before I have to return to work. It wont be so bad, Ive reduced my hours but the thought of Amelia going to nursery for 2 days and spending 1 day with my sister petrifies me. I know she'll be fine, but what if she wants her mummy? She is normally fine without me if Im not here but what if she isn't? It just doesn't bear thinking about does it? She is a confident baby, but she is also a very independent baby and she knows what she wants. Lets hope that she has so much fun, she will forget I'm not even there. How I will cope on the other hand is anybody's guess.
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