To be honest, I'm not sure if I like it either! Actually, that's a bit of a fib, but it is a very weird feeling being back in the office after concentrating on being pregnant and then looking after Amelia for the past 7 months.
So today is my second week back at work and I'm feeling okay about things. It is still very hard to say goodbye to Amelia in the mornings when she goes off with Daddy to nursery/Aunty Kat's, so I try not to say goodbye at all, as the word alone is enough to tip me over the edge into soppy Mummy mode. Instead, I say "have a good day/have fun sweetheart" as I genuinely want her to have a good day without me. I want her to be able to adapt to different situations, different people and feel confident and happy in other people's company. I know its going to be good for her development. Learning to play independently and with other babies of the same age is going to be really good for her when she goes to school. We are hoping it will give her the confidence to go to school and be without us for the day, as she'll have had a couple of years of that at nursery beforehand.
However, even though that is all well and good, there is still a huge black cloud of guilt that hangs over my head by not being with her full time. At the end of the day, sadly. all boils down to the fact that the mortgage has to be paid, the bills have to be paid and we have become comfortable with the lifestyle we have (not that its rich or anything, just comnfortable) and this is the life we want for us and for Amelia. Monday's are very hard. I end up walking to work and being alone with my thoughts of "what if James could earn more money so I could work less and be with Amelia more" or "what if we carried on renting instead of buying a house with a HUGE mortgage to pay every month" or "what if we waited until we had more money before having her". I know its natural to feel that way and I wouldnt change her for the world - she has added so much more fulfilment to our lives that I could ever imagine but I just want the best for her and in my eyes, that's spending time with me (or at least family) and I cant give her all that just yet.
I am ringing the nursery once a day at lunch time to find out how she's doing and today she is okay, a bit grizzly but nowhere near as bad as last Monday, so I'm hoping she is on her way to adapting to our new routine that we both have to get used to. Its hard, really hard thinking about her and worrying about her but with a new promotion at work, I am trying to keep my mind busy with other things.
Another thing I have found incredibly difficult is keeping up together with the housework chores. I am working extra hours during the week so I can leave early on a Friday, which means when I get home in the evenings, all I really have time for is cooking the evening meal. Amelia's bedtime routine means she's in bed sleeping by 8.30pm but I'm knackered by then and want to relax until bedtime. If only we could afford a cleaner - that would be so good!
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