Breast feeding isn’t easy you know…

When Amelia was 4 days old and my milk has just come in (around day 3 dinner time) she point blank refused to feed.  She screamed, coughed, choked, fell asleep on me etc and wouldn't feed.  I had fast let down to start with, so I started expressing first, so it didn't choke her.  In the end, all she did was sleep - solid for 10 hours.  We tried everything to wake her to feed but she wasn't interested and too weak to wake due to lack of food.  Then she started shaking.  We rang the midwife who said it sounded like dehydration, so we had to rush her to A&E.  She did have dehydration and we spent the next 6 hours (till 3am) trying to get her to feed.  Luckily our nurse in children's ward was a BFC and spent hours and hours with me and Amelia getting her to feed.  She'd feed a bit, then stop and sleep.  I expressed 3oz in 30 minutes with their electric pump and she took it all, in 1 go, totally satisfied and winded etc before sleeping again.  I was so relieved she had a full tummy.  Once she woke, the nurse tried again to latch (wouldn't discharge until she was feeding) and she did it perfectly.  It hurt and she wouldn't feed for more than 10 minutes before sleeping or gagging on the shield (I have flat nipples and she wouldn't feed at all) so we were asked to top her up with ebm or formula after each feed, which we did and after 21 days she was almost back to her birth weight (she went down to 6lbs, 12% of birth weight lost in 4 days).
At first, I couldn't express enough for her, so she would have 2oz expressed and 1oz formula, that slowly increased as she got bigger and obviously more hungry.  Now she's having 2-3 bf a day (but was on nursing strike for a few days during her 6 week growth spurt) and 5-6 bottles which are a mix of ebm and formula.  She is happy, smiling, hardly ever cries, happy and content.  That's all I've ever wanted for her.
For us, exclusively bf'ing wasn't possible, but she's still getting it from me and I'm not ready to give up giving it to her.  I am, from today, going to try and give her more breast feeds and top up afterwards with less bottle.  Its not painful and I enjoy it, but sometimes my H likes to feed her, which is why she has more bottles. 
Reading a thread on Hitched about breast feeding has made me realise how important bf is to me and I don't want to stop, she's only 8 weeks (Sunday).

Super Mum v Slummy Mummy…

I always saw myself being a “yummy mummy”.  You know the type of person I’m talking about don’t you? The Brie Hodges (Desperate Housewives) of the modern world.  A great Mum, always looks good, a good baker, perfect home, neat, tidy, clean… so why is it that somedays I just don’t even have a spare minute to shower or brush my teeth without a little baby screaming for me to hold her? How can I be a super mum or yummy mummy with a demanding baby? She isn’t always demanding, in fact, she is a really good baby and naps often and plays well, the thing is, when she’s napping, I’m doing my best to keep the house work up together, to make meals for James and I to have when he comes home from work and to be honest, the person I think of least is myself.  As long as Amelia and James are looked after, I rarely think or have time to think about me. 

You see, its not like there’s a magical way of looking after yourself, your home and your baby 24/7.  There isn’t a manual to teach you how to have the perfectly behaved baby or shortcuts on how to do things in zero amount of time, so you just have to keep learning, keep learning how your baby works, her habits, her timings, the signs to show you she’s bored, tired, hungry, over tired, etc.  I think now Amelia is almost 7 weeks old I know her quite well.  We do have a little routine, I know that she can’t stay awake much more than an hour after a feed without getting over stimulated or grumpy.  I also know that when she goes red in the face, grunts really, really loudly that she’s filling her nappy and I know as soon as she’s done, she’ll cry to ask me to change her.  It’s only then, when you start to really get to know your baby, that you feel more confident in not holding them all day long and are able to take a bit of time to do the other 101 things that need doing at home.

Do you think I’ll be able to talk James into getting a cleaner? okay, a chef? how about a gardener then? Hmmmm perhaps not!

My beautiful baby girl gives me something back…

Amelia started smiling for Mummy.  I know its just a smile but when you do everything possible to make your baby happy and all they do to thank you is puke up on you, scream, cry, keep you awake etc, to get a smile is the best present in the world.

I cant believe what a good girl she is.  5 weeks old and smiling already for me.  I wont say its not wind, but she doesn’t do it when she’s windy or after a feed, so I’m pretty sure its my little princess smiling.

I wish I had more time to write about her.  She amazes me every single day with the things she does.  Noticing colours (6 weeks now), she loves her Winnie the Pooh play gym and all the toys that hang off it.  She used to only manage 5 minutes without crying but now she’ll happily lay there for 15 minutes or so and fascinate herself with the colours and shapes of different toys.

She loves sleeping on her tummy just like her Mummy.  Its amazing when you start noticing little personality traits of yours in your child.  She sleeps the way I like to sleep, she sucks her little fingers to comfort herself and loves to cuddle me on my shoulder with her head nuzzled into my neck.  I love that when she’s upset or or in pain, all she needs is a cuddle from me and she instantly stops.  I can make her feel safe, its such a lovely feeling.

Well as much as I would love to write about her all day, and believe me, I could, she is currently grunting, filling her nappy and I am praying that it isnt another exploda pooooo!

My breast feeding story so far..

I always said I wanted to breast feed Amelia.  Nobody in my family breast fed for longer than a few days and I was determined to beat that and show them I could do it and give the best possible start in life to my precious daughter.

It really wasn’t easy once my milk came in.  Amelia refused to latch, I was sore, tired and still getting used to being a Mum.  A variety of midwives were giving me conflicting advice, bullying me to keep going and making me feel like a failure.  Many nights I spent in tears, dreading her to wake up and want feeding.

However, once we got the right shields, relaxed and sorted our latch, although the first few minutes still hurt, it got better and better.

Just as I thought we were turning a corner and having pain free feeds, I started feeling run down and poorly.  I went to see my lovely GP who said we had the start of an infection – Mastits.  I was gutted.  The pain when feeding was so bad, Amelia started having more formula and expressed bottles and less direct breast feeds.  I felt like my body was failing me again and forcing me to give up before I was ready.

Its now been a week since and although the pain isn’t as bad, Amelia is still mixed fed and I have no guilt or shame in the way we are doing things.  It works for us and that’s all that matters to me.  I am just so glad that at 6 weeks old, I am still able to give my daughter breast milk without it being too much pain.