Breast feeding has been both the hardest and the most rewarding part of parenting so far for me. When we finally got our latch right and I saw how I could settle and comfort Amelia straight away with something my body naturally produces and make her so contented is by far the most amazing feeling in the world. However, reminding myself that feeding isn’t the only part of being a Mummy kept me grounded.
The problems started once I had mastitis in my left breast and Amelia refused to feed from me on that side. At first I was quite angry at her. I had gone through Hell to feed her, pain, worry, tears, more pain and oh funnily enough even MORE pain but she wasn’t having any of it. She would cry, get frustrated, pull away, gag on my boob and just get herself so worked up, I wondered why I was doing it in the first place. Then I remembered why I wanted to feed her in the first place – to make her happy, contented and satisfied. If now, she had decided that breast feeding wasn’t making her happy, contented and satisfied then who was I to make her? I read so many stories of women who go into meltdown when their babies go on a “nursing strike” and do everything in their power to get them back on the breast and I think to myself, who are they doing it for? The baby? or themselves? That’s what I had to think to myself. If I started to do everything in my power to get Amelia back on the breast who was I doing it for? her? or me? I unfortunately discovered it wasn’t all for her.
Over the course of the next week or so, I attempted to get Amelia to feed from the right side before offering her a bottle. Some times she’d take it for a few minutes, sometimes she’d scream and gag and point blank refuse to feed and I didn’t force her. I wanted to feed her for as long as she or I felt happy to do so and much to my disappointment I found Amelia making her feelings known – she wanted a bottle. Now, some people may say that this was my own fault for mix feeding her in the first place but when you have a midwife telling you that you are “starving your baby” and after a trip to A&E on day 4, I had no choice but to give her formula to save her from dehydration when she refused to latch. She has since thrived and is now a very happy baby.
I think of my 8 weeks of breast feeding my daughter with bitter sweet memories. I believe I stopped before I was ready to “give up” but, I am also proud of getting over so many obstacles I had in my way. All I ever and will ever want is to make my daughter happy and although it upsets me to think our breast feeding days are over, I know she’s doing well and that is the main thing.
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