Diary of a New Mum

I'm officially a bad blogger....

2010-03-19T19:42:00.002Z

Its been absolutely ages since I wrote in this blog - and even if it wasn't that long ago, it sure feels like it as my head is full of things to write about.

I think I normally start with Amelia updates, so here we go. Well, she is most definitely a toddler that tantrums, at the grand young age of 18 months. Growing up far too quickly, with far too much of her own opinion and personality! She knows what she likes, doesn't like, loves and hates. Even know, she still amazes me with something new each and every day. Today, it was another speech related milestone. The conversation went like this...

"Amelia, do you want to help mumma with the washing?"

"Yes"

"Yes what?"

"Yes please mumma"

"Okay, well we need to put it into the washing machine, can you do that?"

"Okay"

Amelia puts the washing into the washing machine

"Do we need liquid now?"

"Yep!"

"Where does mumma keep the liquid"

"Here mumma?"

"Yep, here in this cupboard, good girl"

Amelia opens cupboard and hands me the fabric softener

"Thank you"

"Ta mumma"

"Okay, Amelia, all done now, well done"

"Yay"

Amelia claps herself.

She's just amazing, she truly is. I know, I know what you're thinking "she's your daughter, of course you think she's amazing" but honestly and truthfully, she is so incredibly bright. Anyway, we are still keeping a record of her words on the fridge. Not words that she can copy (as she can say most words if you ask her to) but words she has learnt all by herself and uses on her own. I think we have about 40-50 now.

So, now you know all the good things, here is a bad thing - her sleep. My God, her sleep is so bad. We have tried a sleep training thingy, to stop her coming into our bed during the night but all we managed to do was argue, get more sleep deprived, more tired, more frustrated and more angry. So after a week, we gave up (we needed to sleep, trust me) so now, we get her back into bed if we're still up (she normally wakes once before midnight) and then when she wakes during the night (anywhere between 1 and 4am) she walks into our room and I simply lift her into our bed. I can hear many of you out there screaming at your PC "dont do it, dont do it!!!! Rod for your own back!!" and blah blah blah, but seriously, when we both have work in the morning, we simply need our sleep and it isnt that awful. We are going to try again in a couple of months time and see how it goes. Id really like her to be sleeping through before she's 2, otherwise we'll never even contemplate trying for another baby.

On a positive note, I have moved jobs into a new team, in Bristol. Its possibly the best career move Ive made in my 5 years at NR and I love every minute of it. I wont go into details, as its not what this blog was for, but a happy mummy at work means a much nicer wife and happier mummy at home.

We are starting to do some work on our house now (brought it 2 years ago, so about time!) and the first room of attack is our bathroom. Im so excited, its silly! I cant wait for the house to feel more like ours, to our taste. We're also growing lots of fruit and veggies this year. We did some last year and Amelia ate every single tomato and strawberry we ever had..... so this time, its much more veggies (we brought a raised bed, which is huge and gorgeous), herbs and fruits. I simply cannot wait for them to grow.

Oh well, time for a glass of vino now and hopefully, if I can talk James into it, a foot rub.

Speak soon blog,

Sj xx

Enough with the broodiness already...!

2009-11-06T16:28:00.002Z

Okay, so my broodiness has been under control since the day Amelia was born. Yep, I wanted another baby as soon as we had her. Not in the "this is easy, lets do it again" or even the "she's growing up, I need a baby again" but because I love it. Being a Mum is the best thing I have ever done (is it okay to start a blog entry so deep and meaningful?) I just knew instantly that I wanted a big family, I wanted to build up this big family around me (not that I don't have a big family already, I do and love it) and for James.

So, 14 months down the line and all of a sudden, everybody is having babies. Yes, everybody. All of my cousins are pregnant, all 3 of them. I love them dearly, they're fantastic mothers, but just how envious am I right now?! Then there's my friends - yep, you guessed it, they're all at it! A few are pregnant, a few are trying. Then, there's me. Totally caught up in the wonderfulness of being a Mummy to our darling daughter but completely uneasy at her having to share me (and Daddy) with another baby. Financially, next year would be fab, summer time onwards, give us plenty of time to save, so I could have the full 9 months off work, but my heart keeps whispering things like "go on, what's a few months?"

James, being a practical and sensible man keeps telling me its okay to wait, we don't have to follow the crowd, we don't have to give in to our impulses and deep down, I know he's right, but that doesn't help my heart who is so desperate to extend our family, to give Amelia a sibling, to go through all those lovely stages again, to be pregnant, feel a gorgeous little bundle growing inside my tummy, being its lifeline. It's such a magical feeling, I loved every second of pregnancy, minus the 14 weeks of morning sickness! Then, reality checks in with the reminders that Amelia sleep isn't getting better, in fact, over the past few weeks, it has got worse. The thing is, with things like that, I can justify them with "she'll have 9 months to improve" or "I'll be up with new baby anyway and won't have to go into the office next day..."

So, back to being in the middle again. Head says no, wait. Heart says do it, do it now. Who knows what will happen? Maybe it will be taken out of our hands and happen itself? Maybe one day James will just say "lets try now" and surprise me. Maybe Amelia will start sleeping through. Well, you never know. Still, at least its not something we have to make a decision on right now. At the moment we have a plan and shall be sticking to that. 2 down and 4 to go...

I've discovered the worst part of parenting...

2009-10-29T21:26:00.002Z

It seems quite obvious nowI think about it, but it wasn't really one of the 'worries' I had whilst pregnant or even when Amelia was a newborn, but now, at 14 months, I realise that for the past 11 months I have been coping with something (obviously not as much as Amelia is having to cope with it) that really is an awful part of parenting. It is going to sound really silly, because I'm sure that some babies do it with ease, some parents hardly notice its going on and take it in their stride, but in our house, in this family, it is the worst thing ever and I can't wait for it all to be over!

So, if you haven't guessed already - I'm talking about teething. I knew this recent patch of teething that Amelia is going through was worse than anything she'd been through before but I just didn't know why. We thought it could be due to the fact it is the back teeth coming through this time. However, today, I discovered that number 11 and 12 are almost through at the bottom and right behind them, in big, swollen red lumps are numbers 13 and 14. Ouch. So that's 9 and 10, 11 and 12 plus 13 and 14 all trying their best to come through at the same time.

The worst thing about having a baby (or toddler as so many people are reminding me!) is that you can't take the pain away from them and they can't tell you or explain the pain and where its actually hurting. Nothing is worse than seeing them in pain when you can't really fix it.

Still, we are over half way now and I'm hoping that the rest of the peggies come quieter, softer and without pain for our darling daughter.

Whilst Im here, I thought it would be good to jot down some of the developmental stuff that Amelia is doing at the moment. She is 14 months, has been walking for 6 months, communicating all the time with us, up and down the stairs, words are cat, mummy, daddy, dada, dad, nan, Jack, Granddad, no, yes, up, down, please, ta, duck, quack. My mind has now gone blank but we think its about 20 words so far. She dances, 3 different dances as well now, she copies things so well, she even puts her fists up ready for a fight and growls at you if you prompt her! She even says cheese! for photos now too! Bless her. She is climbing everywhere and can safely get down from beds and the sofa on her own. Her favourite food is still fruit but she also loves anything cheesy or with tomato. She drinks an awful lot of water, which is fab and still has her morning bottle (although its reducing) an afternoon cup of milk and her favourite being her bedtime bottle.

Well, thats my update for now! Laters! x

My baby is One.

2009-09-08T17:26:00.002+01:00

I feel weird just writing that. "My baby is One". It's quite a contradiction. She isn't a baby at all anymore. In fact, if I am really honest with myself, she hasn't been a baby for 2 months, since she has been walking independently but I'm a believer that ignorance is bliss.

Thinking back to this time last year, I am filled with amazement, love, happiness, frustration and self criticism. Amazement that its flown by so quickly, love for the most precious thing in our lives, happiness for the joy she has brought into our lives but frustration that it took induction of 3 gels, waters being broken, a drip and 4 days to get her born! Talk about long winded. Oh and self criticism. Well 4 days? what was all that about? So many things I shall be doing differently second time round. So, back to the reminiscing. Established labour itself was amazing. For me it was so incredibly quick. It felt like one minute I was being hooked up to the drip, unable to stand, the next I was telling them I needed to push, then I did push and she was there within seconds. The last bit is true, it did only take 2 minutes and 2 pushes (however, I wish I held back with the pushing, then the stitches may not have been so bad..........ouch.........) If you were to ask James, he'd say it felt like days......

So, for my own benefit, Amelia's development is really coming on. Walking extremely confidently now, since 10 months, talking is great - words currently are Dad, Daddy, Dada, Mum, Nan, Grandad, up, down, yes, no, cat, bath, cup. I think there are more, but I have memory block. She climbs up and down the stairs too. Sleep is hit and miss (well, no baby is perfect) however, bedtime routine is brilliant. She gets grumpy and tearful walking up the stairs when she knows its bedtime, but once we do milk, story, cuddles, song, she's asleep in a few minutes. We still have 1-2 wakings. Normally just 1 around 4-5am when she wants her milk. No idea why as she has a full bottle at bedtime and is relatively a good eater. I have a "not before 5" rule for her, which is mostly acceptable to her.

So, the next step? Well, watching her develop her speech is lots of fun, watching her kiss everything and everybody she meets (including all the bears on the bed before sleep time) and her understanding when we are speaking to her. Its a lovely age, just need to fix the sleep a bit if we can.

Incredibly broody for another but my sensible, practical side (called my husband) says to wait till she's 2..... wonder how much convincing he'd take?!

So, Amelia is almost one... eeeek!

2009-08-26T19:02:00.003+01:00

So, its been 3 months since I have had time to sit down and write a blog entry. That's really bad isn't it? Call myself a writer?!

Anyway, to say it feels surreal to be talking about Amelia's first birthday is a total understatement. What was once my 6lb baby girl is now a very independent, feisty, cheeky and incredibly adorable growing up too fast little lady.

I know every Mum must feel this way about their little ones but I don't think I could feel any prouder of her than I already do. She may not have crawled until she was 9 months but she was taking steps at 8 months and walking confidently outside at 10 months. People always stop us to ask how old she is, as she looks too small to be walking! We, being new to this parent malarkey know no different, so its a very bizarre feeling. Last weekend was a great example. We had popped into Sainsbugs to get some wine and dessert as Dad and Helen were coming to lunch and we realised we only had red wine and ice cream.... anyway, we put Amelia's little life backpack on her and walk into the shop. Straight away we started getting "awwwwwww" and "she's so cute and tiny" comments and then all the "she's young to be walking isnt she?" (I didnt think there were any hard and fast rules on walking????) but we were proud to say the least. I think the icing on the cake was on our way out when a member of staff said "oh wow, she's gorgeous, so tiny but so confident walking, oh and I LOVE her backpack!" Its a little bumble bee :)

So, what else do I need to tell you? Oh talking, yep, that's right, Amelia loves to chatter. I wonder where she gets that from.....seeing as Im the quiet one in the family.....!!! Her favourite word is cat. Unfortunately because of this, everything is a cat. If we're out and see a dog she goes "Muuuuuuuuuuuuum Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttt!!!!" or "daadaaaa loooooooook caaaaaaaattttttt!!" its so funny, she gets so incredibly excited and then when we tell her "No, darling, that's a dog. Duh oooo ggggg. Hmmm. It doesnt go down that well if Im honest. Im sure inside her mind she's thinking "how odd, my own parents don't even know a cat when they see one, even though we have 2 small ones at home!" Other words include up, yes, no, down, nan, uh oh (another favourite) and cups. Its great when you can say "go get your cups Amelia, lets build a tower" and she toddles off to her toy basket to get the cups out. Amazing just how much she understands.

She also is loving brushing her teeth now. We do it together, so either with me or with Daddy. You can always tell she's excited to do it when she starts clapping, squeeling with excitement and stamping her feet. So sweet, bless her.

So, the plans for her party is well underway. We are having Chrissie (Musical Minis Leader) do an hour musical party. Ive got all the bits and bobs ready for games and party bags too. Oh and some room decs, just need a few more. We are having a family BBQ on the Sunday too. I have a feeling she's going to be a very spoilt little girl!

I never realised just how much being a Mummy would change me. My priorites shifted so suddenly but we're totally loving it. I can't wait for our family to get even bigger. Watch this space!

I never find time to write this Blog now...

2009-05-26T14:45:00.002+01:00

I don't know why but I'm finding it really hard to keep my blog updated, which is really annoying because this is where I can openly air my thoughts and feelings and remind myself of all of Amelia's achievements and developmental stages.

So, a bit of a catch up.... I have been back at work for 3 months (don't ask, it isn't going that brilliantly) but on a more positive note Amelia is really enjoying nursery and seems to be getting a lot out of it. She is naturally a socialible baby, but nursery has encouraged this even more and has also encouraged her development too. Although the crawling (or lack of) is a bit of a frustration (for her as well as me!) she seems to want to move onto walking first. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, seeing as she isn't even 9 months old yet. I was quite pleased for her last night though. She got up onto her knees to reach out for a toy that was a little in front of where she was playing. She did manage to shuffle forward to grab it, eventually. Bless her. I'm not worried about her in the slightest. She is a very feisty and independent baby that's for sure and wont be told what or how to do things! (yes, this is all very familiar....!) I do love her little personality. She certainly keeps us all on our toes and forever smiling. She has taken 5 steps so far unaided and its only a matter of time now before she's off on her own. Very scary thought. She has 4 teeth too. The bottom middle 2 and then top middle 1 and then the one to the left of that, so a side one. They look very funny :)

So, my baby girl is growing up. Saturday she even grabbed James' face and said "DADA!" when I told her to wake up her Daddy. How on Earth does she know that already? Okay, so we say "Dadadada" to her a fair bit, but surely she's too young to know what or who I mean!? Amazing.

I even have some of her birthday planned as well, as sad as I am seeing my baby girl grow, its a really exciting time too. She makes me smile each and everyday. :)

Feeling better about nursery...finally...

2009-03-17T13:00:00.004Z

So, Amelia has been at nursery for a few weeks now. I think its fair to say I totally underestimated how it would feel to go back to my old routine, although its slightly different now Amelia is here. Mornings are run with military precision (well as much as they can be) and evenings don't start for me until she's in her cot sleeping, but other than that, the going to work, my job, colleagues, etc have all stayed the same.

I ring nursery everyday (she only goes 2 days a week though) at lunch time to check she's having a good day, how she's coping, blah, blah blah and today was a relief to say the least. I normally ask about naps, nappies and food and thank them for putting up with my calls and hang up but today I actually thought about the call before I made it and wrote a couple of things down that I wanted to ask them (why is now I'm a Mummy I am unable to remember anything for a few minutes and have to rely on copious amounts of post it notes stuck here there and everywhere?) so, I ring and spoke to one of the girls (who is used to me ringing now) and she went through in detail Amelia's morning. She is having a really good day, she is eating more, being offered savoury and sweet at both meal times, lots of water throughout the day (one of my questions was this) and although her solid nappies are rather unsolid-like, she seems to be getting the hang of this nursery malarkey and taking it in her stride. That's my girl.

It feels weird that she is coping without me, good weird, but weird none the less. Today the nursery staff have given me the confidence that I am doing the right thing by sending her there and that she is safe, well and above all else - happy. To me, as long as she's happy, I'm happy and that's all that truly matters.

Second trip to hospital in 6 months..

2009-03-03T12:21:00.002Z

Amelia has had a cold for a few days now but has caught a cough to go with it. For the past couple of days she has been coughing a fair bit, until she almost chokes and last night she did it again but didnt take a breath straight afterwards. I went into total panic mode (which is surprising as I'm normally the calm one in a crisis) but thankfully James was calm and helped me. We rang NHS Direct for some advice as I was unsure of what the right thing to do was when a baby starts to choke. Anyway they put me through to a nurse who wanted her to be checked over by a doctor (for chest infection etc) so sorted out a call to the out of office doctor for us, who rang us back within 10 minutes. I was feeding Amelia at the time so James spoke to him and then said "Get her dressed, we need to get her checked over at the hospital". I was relieved that somebody was going to check her over (I hate worrying about her when she's poorly) but it reminded me so much of when we had to take her to hospital when she was just 4 days old and refused to feed. I now officially hate hospitals.

Anyway, after a 2 hour wait we were seen and checked over by a lovely nurse and then a very lovely health visitor. We were given cream for the sore bit she has under her neck but her chest, ears and eyes are all okay. She had a whole body check over which was very reassuring.

We got home completely exhausted and went to bed around 11pm. Amelia continued to cough a bit but nothing as bad as before and didnt choke or cough up any nasties but had to have several hugs and cuddles from Mummy through out the night.

Being a Mummy is the most rewarding but the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope the good, rewarding times out weigh the bad and scary moments from now on. xx

So, I'm now back to working for a living....

2009-03-02T12:46:00.002Z

To be honest, I'm not sure if I like it either! Actually, that's a bit of a fib, but it is a very weird feeling being back in the office after concentrating on being pregnant and then looking after Amelia for the past 7 months.

So today is my second week back at work and I'm feeling okay about things. It is still very hard to say goodbye to Amelia in the mornings when she goes off with Daddy to nursery/Aunty Kat's, so I try not to say goodbye at all, as the word alone is enough to tip me over the edge into soppy Mummy mode. Instead, I say "have a good day/have fun sweetheart" as I genuinely want her to have a good day without me. I want her to be able to adapt to different situations, different people and feel confident and happy in other people's company. I know its going to be good for her development. Learning to play independently and with other babies of the same age is going to be really good for her when she goes to school. We are hoping it will give her the confidence to go to school and be without us for the day, as she'll have had a couple of years of that at nursery beforehand.

However, even though that is all well and good, there is still a huge black cloud of guilt that hangs over my head by not being with her full time. At the end of the day, sadly. all boils down to the fact that the mortgage has to be paid, the bills have to be paid and we have become comfortable with the lifestyle we have (not that its rich or anything, just comnfortable) and this is the life we want for us and for Amelia. Monday's are very hard. I end up walking to work and being alone with my thoughts of "what if James could earn more money so I could work less and be with Amelia more" or "what if we carried on renting instead of buying a house with a HUGE mortgage to pay every month" or "what if we waited until we had more money before having her". I know its natural to feel that way and I wouldnt change her for the world - she has added so much more fulfilment to our lives that I could ever imagine but I just want the best for her and in my eyes, that's spending time with me (or at least family) and I cant give her all that just yet.

I am ringing the nursery once a day at lunch time to find out how she's doing and today she is okay, a bit grizzly but nowhere near as bad as last Monday, so I'm hoping she is on her way to adapting to our new routine that we both have to get used to. Its hard, really hard thinking about her and worrying about her but with a new promotion at work, I am trying to keep my mind busy with other things.

Another thing I have found incredibly difficult is keeping up together with the housework chores. I am working extra hours during the week so I can leave early on a Friday, which means when I get home in the evenings, all I really have time for is cooking the evening meal. Amelia's bedtime routine means she's in bed sleeping by 8.30pm but I'm knackered by then and want to relax until bedtime. If only we could afford a cleaner - that would be so good!

5 Month update and I'm going back to work :(

2009-02-06T14:47:00.004Z

Amelia will be 5 months old this Sunday. I really cannot believe how fast that time has flown by. She is rolling both ways now, sitting up unaided for a few minutes, moving from a sitting position to tummy and trying to crawl. She is also trying out some baby rice at dinner time and I tried some baby cereal (like porriage) this morning but it didn't go down too well, so we may try another flavour soon.

I have to say, the older she gets, the more hard work she gets too. Not only are her naps shorter, but she gets incredibly bored so easily, so we have to make sure she is being entertained all the time. Thank goodness for her musicial toys and door bouncer!

One really bad thing about Amelia at the moment is her sleepilng. She went from sleeping 8 hours and just waking once in the night for food, to sleeping just 6 hours and waking anything from once to three times in the night. Sometimes she'll settle easily but mostly it will take me a good half hour or even an hour to try and settle her back to sleep. I have put this down to teething which is the worst part of having a baby. To see her in so much pain and only be able to give her some teething gel and calpol really breaks my heart. I wish I could take the pain away from her, the poor little love, but I cant. Fingers crossed that once we have the weaning sorted out and the teeth through, life may be a bit easier for us all.

Oh and I have to have a little wobble about work. I only have 2 weeks left of my maternity leave before I have to return to work. It wont be so bad, Ive reduced my hours but the thought of Amelia going to nursery for 2 days and spending 1 day with my sister petrifies me. I know she'll be fine, but what if she wants her mummy? She is normally fine without me if Im not here but what if she isn't? It just doesn't bear thinking about does it? She is a confident baby, but she is also a very independent baby and she knows what she wants. Lets hope that she has so much fun, she will forget I'm not even there. How I will cope on the other hand is anybody's guess.

Rock and Roll………

2008-12-13T21:04:00.001Z

Well, today, my baby, the truly cleverest baby in the world (yes I know that every Mummy says that) rolled over! She was on her tummy, as I felt like a bit of a bad Mummy for not really giving her any tummy time and then she went over onto her back almost straight away and then led there on her back looking completely shocked! We were really shocked too but then congratulated her (rather loudly I might add, as we were excited for her) and then she got all confused, cried a bit and puked on my shoulder!

My little girl is growing up so quick. Its a weird feeling. Half of me is so proud of her, so excited to watch her grow up so strong, changing and developing every single day but the other half of me is sad that my tiny baby girl, who was only 6lb 13 weeks ago and sat nicely in the palm of my hand, is growing way too fast for my liking and I’d like her to stay a tiny baby forever.

Being a Mum is both the most rewarding and the most exciting experience I have ever had. Today is truly a wonderful day.

4……..8…….12……4…….8……..

2008-12-08T17:47:00.001Z

I have always been slightly envious at the girls I know who decided to formula feed from day one, not because its any easier than breast feeding, but because babies normally go 4 hours between a feed. Amelia has been formula fed for a few weeks now and its only the last couple of days that she’s been going 4 hourly for a few feeds. Since getting tired early and going to bed early (8pm instead of 9pm) I have been trying to get her to go 4 hourly for every feed. Its been quite difficult to be honest. Some feeds she is happy to go longer but now its 3pm, she’s due at 4pm and I have a feeling she may be getting unsettled and grizzly because she’s hungry.

I feel a little mean, but I’m trying the distraction method of playing, singing, dancing and chattering to try and get her to go that little bit longer. She is doing quite well at bedtime… going down around 8pm, waking at 4am and then again around 7-8am. She managed to go till noon today (only just mind) and I know she’ll get to 4pm with some distraction..

Oh and I have to mention her new trick – pushing herself up with her feet. its so funny. Its like she’s almost trying to crawl and she’s only 13 weeks! A very determined little lady who knows EXACTLY what she wants…. I wonder who that reminds me of………

You can't pick your family...

2008-12-06T09:40:00.002Z

Last night I stayed at my Mum's house whilst James went to his Christmas party (stayed over so could drink blah, blah, blah) and my 18 year old sister decided that after her boozy trips around the local pubs, she'd bring some friends back. Hmmmm. Now, I do remember what it was like to be a pretty, single 18 year old girl but she did know Amelia and I were staying over. However, at 4.30am, as I was trying to get Amelia back to sleep (for the 100th time since her 3.30am feed) and all I could hear was loud music, mobile phone ring tones (goodness I sound so old!) and laughing... so I venture downstairs, with crying baby in toe and storm in the door of my sisters downstairs bedroom.... the look on her face was priceless, so was the look on about 6 randomer's faces too! Needless to say, she was shamed into turning the music off and talking quieter.

I'm sat here wondering if its me that's changed. Normally, I would have gone down, opened a bottle of wine and joined her but now that I'm a Mummy, priorities have changed and now all I want at 4.30am on a Saturday morning is to get my baby back to sleep as soon as possible, so I can steal another couple of hours sleep, so I can face another day of being a Mummy. So being a parent really does make you grow up fast, but not only that, it makes me realise the small important things in life, like having undisturbed sleep, cuddles with Amelia, nice walks etc. That probably is proof that I am on my way to becoming a grumpy old woman but alcohol, loud music, drunken friends and smelly breath is the last thing I want right now.

Amelia is napping as I write this (its 9.50am now) and part of me thinks I should pop into my sisters room when she wakes and say "here you go, its time to look after her for that extra hour or so that she should have had sleeping last night when you kept her awake" but I know that will only be greeted with a few choice words and perhaps a slamming of the door...

So, not only am I still quite cross at my sister and her friends but I feel sorry for them. They have no idea about "real life" yet and I'm sure I wasn't this bad at 18.... I guess she'll have to grow up sooner or later... and when she's a Mummy herself, I shall have great pleasure of reminding her of this.....

Dancing Queen….

2008-11-28T14:07:00.002Z

Today I thought I’d give dancing a go with Amelia. Not dancing as you are imagining it, but just sat on my lap, singing and moving her body and arms around. She absolutely loved it and the best bit was the giggles. Finally, I made my little Princess laugh! James has been able to do it for a couple of weeks now but every time I play with her, she smiles and coooo’s but never laughs until today.

I think each and every development milestone she makes is such an achievement and makes me feel so proud. I even cried today when she started the giggles as I couldn’t believe that just 11 weeks ago I was giving birth to this tiny baby girl, so new to the world.

I also have to tell you about the amount of time she spends chattering, she must take after her Mummy because she is ALWAYS chattering! Bless her. Could be worse, she could have the size of my mouth too….

Seriously though, I sit here and think about how much she’s changing and growing and the sheer speed she is learning too, its just absolutely mind blowing. I couldn’t be more proud.

“Is she good”…..

2008-11-20T18:30:00.001Z

Just what to people expect you to say when they ask you this question? Yesterday Amelia and I went to the post office and unfortunately for me, Amelia decided that she’d like her bottle half an hour early. Great, thanks for that, fabulous timing. So, in true baby form, she screamed the whole of tescos down. Just as I was trying to shhhh and pat her to calm her for just a few minutes until I could escape the shop and find somewhere to sit down and give her a feed – I hear a voice behind me… “ohhh isn’t she a good baby?” “Normally” I reply. As soon as I get out and sit on the bench to feed her, another old woman walks past with “Awww, is she good?” Well, she’s quiet because I’m feeding her and seeing as she was made to wait a few extra minutes in tescos and thought I wasn’t going to feed her, then yes, I suppose now she’s being quite good. So I reply “Yes, she’s great”

So, what would they say if my actual reply was “actually no, she’s a really bad baby, do you want her?”. Of course I couldnt do such a thing and Amelia is not a “bad” baby at all, but are they really interested in an honest answer or do they just want to hear you say yes? I can’t figure it out.

I think a better question would be “how are you getting on?” or “how is she getting on?”. I don’t think I’ve ever asked anybody if their baby is good or not, to me, its just such a bizarre question to ask.

So, all you people out there who ask new mums “is she good” think about it – do you really want the honest answer?!

8 weeks of breast feeding…

2008-11-09T19:56:00.001Z

Breast feeding has been both the hardest and the most rewarding part of parenting so far for me. When we finally got our latch right and I saw how I could settle and comfort Amelia straight away with something my body naturally produces and make her so contented is by far the most amazing feeling in the world. However, reminding myself that feeding isn’t the only part of being a Mummy kept me grounded.

The problems started once I had mastitis in my left breast and Amelia refused to feed from me on that side. At first I was quite angry at her. I had gone through Hell to feed her, pain, worry, tears, more pain and oh funnily enough even MORE pain but she wasn’t having any of it. She would cry, get frustrated, pull away, gag on my boob and just get herself so worked up, I wondered why I was doing it in the first place. Then I remembered why I wanted to feed her in the first place – to make her happy, contented and satisfied. If now, she had decided that breast feeding wasn’t making her happy, contented and satisfied then who was I to make her? I read so many stories of women who go into meltdown when their babies go on a “nursing strike” and do everything in their power to get them back on the breast and I think to myself, who are they doing it for? The baby? or themselves? That’s what I had to think to myself. If I started to do everything in my power to get Amelia back on the breast who was I doing it for? her? or me? I unfortunately discovered it wasn’t all for her.

Over the course of the next week or so, I attempted to get Amelia to feed from the right side before offering her a bottle. Some times she’d take it for a few minutes, sometimes she’d scream and gag and point blank refuse to feed and I didn’t force her. I wanted to feed her for as long as she or I felt happy to do so and much to my disappointment I found Amelia making her feelings known – she wanted a bottle. Now, some people may say that this was my own fault for mix feeding her in the first place but when you have a midwife telling you that you are “starving your baby” and after a trip to A&E on day 4, I had no choice but to give her formula to save her from dehydration when she refused to latch. She has since thrived and is now a very happy baby.

I think of my 8 weeks of breast feeding my daughter with bitter sweet memories. I believe I stopped before I was ready to “give up” but, I am also proud of getting over so many obstacles I had in my way. All I ever and will ever want is to make my daughter happy and although it upsets me to think our breast feeding days are over, I know she’s doing well and that is the main thing.

8 week update….

2008-11-03T19:58:00.001Z

Amelia is 8 weeks old now. Where has the time gone? I just thought seeing as I have quite a few things to write about, I would group them all together in a little “update” rather than make several posts and then probably forget half of what I wanted to write about anyway.

So, lets start with feeding. 2 weeks ago during the 6 week growth spurt, my darling daughter and I caught mastitis. It was awful, itchy boobs, sore, red, lumpy. painful, oh my gosh, so incredibly painful. I was told to “feed through it” – and the worst thing was, people said it like it was easy. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through since her birth. She cried, I cried and I felt like we were back to square one with painful feeds. I did feed through it for a few days, not every feed, but as many as I felt I could and as many as Amelia would take. When we got to 7 weeks Amelia started to change with regards to her feeding. She was all of a sudden a girl with her own mind and not somebody who was going to do anything she didn't want to do. So, we began a nursing strike. She would breast feed when and if it suited her and if she didn't want it – she’d let me know. I was disappointed at first, read loads of websites to entice her back to breast, cried to James, felt like I’d failed her as a Mother, blah blah blah and then it hit me – how selfish was I to force my daughter to breast feed if she was telling me she didn’t want to do it anymore or not as much? The bottle is easier, she doesn’t have to work hard for it, its still nice and warm and she still gets lots of cuddles whilst feeding, so which would you choose? The easier option I’m sure – well, this is what she was choosing too and at the end of the day, who am I to force her to breast feed just so I can say “I breastfed for X amount of weeks” I also think it made it easier for me. I wanted to stop several times when we were going through growth spurts or bad phases but Amelia has made that decision for me, for us both and I am more than happy for her to lead me to what she wants. She still roots for me at bedtime and in the morning when she’s a bit dozy I offer her breast too but she pulls off when she’s had enough and cries for a bottle and that’s fine by me. I am still expressing a little each day, to top up her bottles, but my supply is decreasing rapidly so I know I wont be able to do it much longer. Still, she’s happy, that’s all that matters.

So, moving on from feeding, lets move to sleeping shall we? Until this week – I would have told you how great my little girl was at sleeping but last night the little monster was awake from her 8pm feed till about 10.30pm! She is normally asleep well within an hour after a feed! Once she settled down, she slept till 4.30am though, so it wasn’t too bad. She normally goes down between 8pm and 9pm and sleeps till 3 – 4am and then wakes again around 7am but then will go back to sleep till 10am. As soon as we can get rid of that 3am feed, I shall be a very happy Mummy!

The next subject I wanted to just write a bit about is separation anxiety. I think the only time Amelia has been away from me was when she was just a week old and James went for a walk in the sling with her whilst I slept and I was just too tired to refuse. Yesterday, Ian and Helen (the in laws) asked if they could take Amelia for a couple of hours to meet Helen’s Mum, Francis who is 100 years old and had been so eager to meet her since her birth. I felt a bit anxious, a bit scared about her being away from me, what they would do if she cried etc, but they took her, James went to Asda, I had a little cry on my own and they were back within 2 hours, with smiles as big as their faces! They said she was a great little girl, smiled and cooo’ed and had loads of fun and then fell asleep when it was time to leave. I am so glad she was so good to them. I now feel much more at ease at leaving her with them again. James has took Amelia out tonight to a radio club meeting and although again I feel nervous, I know the more I let her go, the better we’ll both be at being separated which is a good thing for her and a good thing for me too.

Breast feeding isn’t easy you know…

2008-10-30T12:44:00.001Z

When Amelia was 4 days old and my milk has just come in (around day 3 dinner time) she point blank refused to feed. She screamed, coughed, choked, fell asleep on me etc and wouldn't feed. I had fast let down to start with, so I started expressing first, so it didn't choke her. In the end, all she did was sleep - solid for 10 hours. We tried everything to wake her to feed but she wasn't interested and too weak to wake due to lack of food. Then she started shaking. We rang the midwife who said it sounded like dehydration, so we had to rush her to A&E. She did have dehydration and we spent the next 6 hours (till 3am) trying to get her to feed. Luckily our nurse in children's ward was a BFC and spent hours and hours with me and Amelia getting her to feed. She'd feed a bit, then stop and sleep. I expressed 3oz in 30 minutes with their electric pump and she took it all, in 1 go, totally satisfied and winded etc before sleeping again. I was so relieved she had a full tummy. Once she woke, the nurse tried again to latch (wouldn't discharge until she was feeding) and she did it perfectly. It hurt and she wouldn't feed for more than 10 minutes before sleeping or gagging on the shield (I have flat nipples and she wouldn't feed at all) so we were asked to top her up with ebm or formula after each feed, which we did and after 21 days she was almost back to her birth weight (she went down to 6lbs, 12% of birth weight lost in 4 days).
At first, I couldn't express enough for her, so she would have 2oz expressed and 1oz formula, that slowly increased as she got bigger and obviously more hungry. Now she's having 2-3 bf a day (but was on nursing strike for a few days during her 6 week growth spurt) and 5-6 bottles which are a mix of ebm and formula. She is happy, smiling, hardly ever cries, happy and content. That's all I've ever wanted for her.
For us, exclusively bf'ing wasn't possible, but she's still getting it from me and I'm not ready to give up giving it to her. I am, from today, going to try and give her more breast feeds and top up afterwards with less bottle. Its not painful and I enjoy it, but sometimes my H likes to feed her, which is why she has more bottles.
Reading a thread on Hitched about breast feeding has made me realise how important bf is to me and I don't want to stop, she's only 8 weeks (Sunday).

Super Mum v Slummy Mummy…

2008-10-24T18:35:00.001+01:00

I always saw myself being a “yummy mummy”. You know the type of person I’m talking about don’t you? The Brie Hodges (Desperate Housewives) of the modern world. A great Mum, always looks good, a good baker, perfect home, neat, tidy, clean… so why is it that somedays I just don’t even have a spare minute to shower or brush my teeth without a little baby screaming for me to hold her? How can I be a super mum or yummy mummy with a demanding baby? She isn’t always demanding, in fact, she is a really good baby and naps often and plays well, the thing is, when she’s napping, I’m doing my best to keep the house work up together, to make meals for James and I to have when he comes home from work and to be honest, the person I think of least is myself. As long as Amelia and James are looked after, I rarely think or have time to think about me.

You see, its not like there’s a magical way of looking after yourself, your home and your baby 24/7. There isn’t a manual to teach you how to have the perfectly behaved baby or shortcuts on how to do things in zero amount of time, so you just have to keep learning, keep learning how your baby works, her habits, her timings, the signs to show you she’s bored, tired, hungry, over tired, etc. I think now Amelia is almost 7 weeks old I know her quite well. We do have a little routine, I know that she can’t stay awake much more than an hour after a feed without getting over stimulated or grumpy. I also know that when she goes red in the face, grunts really, really loudly that she’s filling her nappy and I know as soon as she’s done, she’ll cry to ask me to change her. It’s only then, when you start to really get to know your baby, that you feel more confident in not holding them all day long and are able to take a bit of time to do the other 101 things that need doing at home.

Do you think I’ll be able to talk James into getting a cleaner? okay, a chef? how about a gardener then? Hmmmm perhaps not!

My beautiful baby girl gives me something back…

2008-10-21T12:54:00.001+01:00

Amelia started smiling for Mummy. I know its just a smile but when you do everything possible to make your baby happy and all they do to thank you is puke up on you, scream, cry, keep you awake etc, to get a smile is the best present in the world.

I cant believe what a good girl she is. 5 weeks old and smiling already for me. I wont say its not wind, but she doesn’t do it when she’s windy or after a feed, so I’m pretty sure its my little princess smiling.

I wish I had more time to write about her. She amazes me every single day with the things she does. Noticing colours (6 weeks now), she loves her Winnie the Pooh play gym and all the toys that hang off it. She used to only manage 5 minutes without crying but now she’ll happily lay there for 15 minutes or so and fascinate herself with the colours and shapes of different toys.

She loves sleeping on her tummy just like her Mummy. Its amazing when you start noticing little personality traits of yours in your child. She sleeps the way I like to sleep, she sucks her little fingers to comfort herself and loves to cuddle me on my shoulder with her head nuzzled into my neck. I love that when she’s upset or or in pain, all she needs is a cuddle from me and she instantly stops. I can make her feel safe, its such a lovely feeling.

Well as much as I would love to write about her all day, and believe me, I could, she is currently grunting, filling her nappy and I am praying that it isnt another exploda pooooo!

My breast feeding story so far..

2008-10-15T16:55:00.001+01:00

I always said I wanted to breast feed Amelia. Nobody in my family breast fed for longer than a few days and I was determined to beat that and show them I could do it and give the best possible start in life to my precious daughter.

It really wasn’t easy once my milk came in. Amelia refused to latch, I was sore, tired and still getting used to being a Mum. A variety of midwives were giving me conflicting advice, bullying me to keep going and making me feel like a failure. Many nights I spent in tears, dreading her to wake up and want feeding.

However, once we got the right shields, relaxed and sorted our latch, although the first few minutes still hurt, it got better and better.

Just as I thought we were turning a corner and having pain free feeds, I started feeling run down and poorly. I went to see my lovely GP who said we had the start of an infection – Mastits. I was gutted. The pain when feeding was so bad, Amelia started having more formula and expressed bottles and less direct breast feeds. I felt like my body was failing me again and forcing me to give up before I was ready.

Its now been a week since and although the pain isn’t as bad, Amelia is still mixed fed and I have no guilt or shame in the way we are doing things. It works for us and that’s all that matters to me. I am just so glad that at 6 weeks old, I am still able to give my daughter breast milk without it being too much pain.

Hints and Tips for a Newborn

2008-09-16T20:30:00.002+01:00

Well, seeing as I am a Mum to a beautiful 9 day old baby, there has been things that I have learnt that you don't read in any of the books.

Firstly, why doesn't anybody tell you how painful stitches are? I know its only been 9 days but they are agony! I have to pee in the bath, so every time I need to go, I have to run a shallow warm bath and then pee, yuck, and then get out, wash, dry, etc etc. Its not only agony but a damn hassle. I'm using some cooling cream by Zita West which has been a God send but other than that and paracetamol, I can't take anything for the pain, due to breast feeding Amelia. Arnica gel and tablets are helping, but the stinging sensation is a lot to deal with.

Secondly, how hard are night time feeds? If anything makes you want to give up breast feeding, its the night time feeds, but less on that, as I'll just start crying again.

So, another good tip is vaseline for those horrible treacle type poos! If you spread a bit of vaseline around the bum area, then when they do the yucky poo, its easier to wipe off with cotton wool and warm water.

Oh and one more whilst I think of it - try to eat plenty, drink plenty and sleep when they sleep. You never get the newborn days back, so enjoy them. x

The dreaded Day Four...

2008-09-16T20:18:00.001+01:00

So Amelia is here and we reach day four, which nobody could have prepared us for. She wasn't feeding well at all and with conflicting advice from the midwives we were left confused and worried about our little girl.

Sorry, let me explain properly.... I am trying to breast feed my little girl. I know its the best thing for her, I know of all its benefits, but that doesn't make it easy or "natural" as people think it is. In fact, once your milk comes in on day four, it can be hard work, painful and a bit of a nightmare.

Amelia started to refuse my breast. She screamed, she cried, she worked herself up into a state and she got all red faced and upset. We didn't want to give her formula, I had it in my mind it was evil and I would be failing my daughter by not feeding her myself, not to mention the fact that James, my husband wanted me to breast feed probably more than I did, still he wouldn't, he wasn't going through the pain or the stress of it not working. By Thursday night, she had been sleeping constantly for over 9 hours and was refusing breast, expressed milk from a bottle and formula. We tried everything to get her to feed, even washing her hair that we knew would make her cry and wake her up but nothing worked. I was chatting to my friend online who is a children's nurse who had told me she'd have taken her to A&E by now, so James made the decision that we couldn't wait any longer and had to go to the hospital. I was so scared for my precious little girl. We knew we'd have problems feeding, all babies do, but I didn't think she wouldn't feed at all.

The hospital checked her over and wanted to admit us to SCBU, the children's ward and the Registar wanted to keep her over night and take some bloods. When we went up to the ward for bloods, they pricked her heel and started to squeeze the blood out of her tiny little baby foot. I have never heard my baby girl scream and cry so much. I was a total wreck and felt the tears fall from my eyes, down my cheeks and onto the bed where she lay in agony being squeezed and upset by this Doctor. I know it had to be done, I know it was necessary but I cannot describe the feeling of wanting to protect my daughter and stop the pain she was feeling. I don't think the Doctor saw me crying, but James squeezed my hand to reassure me.

Luckily the bloods came back fine, she wasn't poorly at all and by then she'd drunk some of the 2oz bottle we'd taken with us. A lovely nurse on the ward helped us with our latch, which she still wouldn't do without shields but I managed to express 3oz and seeing as she drunk a lot of it whilst we were there, they allowed us to take her home and not stay in. There was no way in the world I could have left my daughter in that hospital. We have been together for 9 months of pregnancy and 4 days of being in this world and I couldn't have left her side.

Thankfully she has been feeding good ever since, but I had no idea how strong our bond was until this day. There was nothing I wouldn't have done for my daughter and I know this bond we have will only get stronger, each and everyday she's here.

My Birth Story - 7th Sept 2008

2008-09-10T10:19:00.002+01:00

My Birth Story.

This is going to be a long one, so either skip to photos or grab yourself a cuppa.

I guess it all started when I had my 40 week AN check up with my GP on Wednesday 3 September. I was already 3 days overdue and pretty miserable. I had mentioned to my GP that I wasnt feeling her move as much as I used to and haven't got my 10 a day for 2 days now. I thought it was quite normal to have less movements and thought it meant birth was imminent but my GP was worried and suggested icy cold water and then if it didnt work to ring the Day Assessment Unit at hospital. So, we went home and it didnt work, H begged me to call the DAU who asked me to come straight in. The hooked me up to the monitor for 2 hours and got 5 movements out of her with some prodding and poking and of course more icy water. Still not completely happy, they asked me to go back the next day for more monitoring.

Thursday 4 September came and I had more monitoring. She was moving but the MW still wasn't happy as she'd suddenly got quiet and was acting out of character. The Doctor asked if she could scan me and check she was okay. The scan showed a drastic reduction in water around her (so what I thought was sweating over the past couple of weeks was actually loosing my waters) and she said the placenta didnt look "at its best" and she wanted baby out. We were shocked, I was worried more about induction than I had been and she said she was admitting me straight away as priority. The nurse told us to go have lunch (it was 1pm) and come back with my bags etc and she'd get a room ready for me on the ward.

We went home, had lunch, packed camera, got my bags etc, sorted cats out and headed back 2 hours later. I had a nice private room and was told a MW would be giving me gel to get labour started. If that didnt work, Id have more gel Friday morning, then a Doctor would have to exam me if I needed a third lot. If that didnt work, they'd have to break my waters and put me on the drip to get things started. I didnt think Id get to that point, little did I know...!

First lot of gel didnt hurt, but wasn't a nice experience, just a bit uncomfortable. Nothing happened though so they sent H home at 8pm and I got some sleep. Second gel was at 6am on Friday, still nothing and the MW said my cervix was still long and closed but she felt it was softening up a little. Friday night I had my third and final lot of gel. By this stage I was quite tearful, emotional and felt my body was totally failing me. I began thinking it was my own fault, for being overweight, for having a good pregnancy, for moaning about her being
late and all that kind of stuff was going around in my head. My closest friends and some lovely hitchers were texting so much comfort and support, I was overwhelmed at their friendship towards me. 11pm came and I had a show. I was so excited, the MW examined me again and said I was 1cm and things were starting to work at last. I was so happy, I couldnt stop crying! Contractions were coming every 3 minutes, lasting a minute. I was so excited, H put my TENS on (couldnt have lived without it, it was a life saver) but H still had to leave at 8pm. Friday through the night was probably the worst night as I wasn't coping with them on my own and crying for H. They gave me sleeping pills to help but all this did was slow contractions down and then they stopped.

This went on for all of Saturday too. Every check they told me I was still only 1cm and would speak to a Doctor about getting my waters broke but Delivery Suite were busy and they were short staffed. I was gutted. Id be in 3 days and wanted my baby.

Sunday 7th September came and I was monitored for an hour to check her hb and my contractions. When I had a big one, we noticed that her heart rate was dropping to 80bpm and the MW was beginning to worry. I kept telling them to break my waters or I would! In the end, it got to 2pm and my favourite mw was on shift. I went to see her and demanded to see a Doctor. I explained what had been happening in the morning with baby's heart rate and she agreed to check my trace and show a doctor. An hour later she came back in and said "pack your bags, you're off to have your baby girl". I burst into tears, at last they were going to help me get this baby out. I started saying to H that I didnt think I could do it now, I was so tired, having been having contractions on and off since Friday night and emotionally, I was a wreck. Still, I now could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I was introduced to Vanessa, a lovely midwife who was on shift. She said she didnt think our baby would be here today (Sunday) but probably in the early hours of Monday morning. Still, I didnt care, she was coming and that was the main thing. I had a thingy put in my arm but they couldnt find a big enough vein, so said that the chances of me being able to have an epidural
were limited. In fact, my H told me they said that as they didnt want to worry me, they told me there was no way they'd get one in my arm big enough to cope with it. So glad they didnt tell me that, Id have walked out! Anyway, Vanessa broke my waters and they just trickled out. I felt the contractions change instantly and H put my ipod on with Natal Hypnotherapy playing. This
had really helped me get through the past few days and make the pain more bearable. I kept breathing through them but were told they were not regular or long enough (I beg to differ, they were to me!) so they hooked me up on to the drip. I said I didnt want much of it, as I had heard it makes the pain worse, so she agreed "little and often". I got up on the bed (even though I wanted to be mobile at first) but my legs were aching and was shown how to use Gas and Air. H said I told him I felt like a balloon floating up in the air, very relaxing and distracted me from the pain of the contractions. The rest is a little blurry, but I had pethedine at 7pm when I felt the need to push, even though I was told I was only 6cm. It wasn't long after that I was telling Vanessa and H that "she's telling me to push her out, please let me!" and Vanessa was shocked, saying I was 9.5cm and could push. H went down the business end whilst still holding my hand and said he could see her head a little. 1 push later, her head was out, 1 more push her body was out.

They all stood there shocked, Vanessa had just told H that it would take me 3 hours to push her out and I did it in just TWO MINUTES! I couldnt believe it, although did say "I told you I needed to push!" Amelia was put staright onto my chest with me crying "oh my god,shes really here!" and H crying and thanking me for giving him a beautiful daughter. We had a cuddle, a feed and then H had a cuddle whilst I was stitched up from my second degree tear. Ouch. This was far worse than labour! Afterwards we were given tea and toast and left alone for a cuddle and family time. MW ran me a bath, H dressed her and we were on the ward at 1am.

Monday lunchtime I was told I could go home and how lucky that Amelia had slept 1am till 7am solid without so much as a grumble. Im sure it will all change soon. Feeding is going okay, we're on day 3 waiting for my milk to come in, so I guess that's when the challenge will really begin.

I dont think I have ever felt so much love in all my life. She has made me feel so totally complete and I thank my lucky stars for her each and every day. She is perfect.

Time to come out now please Bean!

2008-09-02T08:22:00.001+01:00

So, I'm overdue. This means I am officially allowed to be grumpy, over emotional and hormonal. I wish I hadn't got it in my head that this baby was going to come early, but I did, so now I actually feel 2 weeks overdue and not just the 2 days overdue that I actually am. Each night I'm going to bed thinking that something will happen through the night and then I wake up in the morning totally disappointed that nothing has happened and I face another day at home, bored, alone and just playing a waiting game for my little baby.

On a positive note (yes, I am an eternal optimist) the nursery is ready for her, she has so many people checking every single day that are eager to meet her and I just know she's going to be showered with gifts once she does arrive. So much to look forward to!

Unfortunately for us (and Bean) we lost James' Nan yesterday after she was unable to recover from a stroke a few weeks ago. As sad as it is for the whole family (and Bean who shall never get to meet her Great Nan) I do feel relieved that she is finally at peace. I am a firm believer that she has passed in order to let Bean be born. One in and one out they say and I think this is true for us. All we have to do now is make sure that Bean is here in time for us to say goodbye to Nan properly. I'd hate to have to let James gone alone, that's not what wives do after all. I want to support him and be there for him.

So Bean, its now a VERY good time for you to come into the world and meet us all, come on, more than anything right now, we need you to bring us happiness and remind us what life is really all about.

Bump on Due Date. 31 August 08.

Lavender and Chocolate...

2008-08-26T18:08:00.001+01:00

Is all a girl needs to make her feel better. Today has been a really hard day for me. I have had such an upbeat and positive week or so but today has been so difficult.

I was already in a grumpy mood after being woken up at 9am but a stupid colleague calling my work mobile. He didn't leave a voicemail, so I was even more annoyed not knowing what he wanted. I texted to say I was on maternity leave and didn't appreciate him calling early in the morning and waking me up! I didn't even get an apology! So the day didn't start too well.

Then I had my 39 week midwife appointment which made me feel even worse. She told me she was going on holiday for 2 week from Monday, which would be fine normally, but I'm due on Sunday and have always had all my appointments with her. So next week I have to see a Doctor for my Ante-Natal appointment and not a proper midwife. Thanks for that. Then, to upset me even further, she told me that I will not be able to have a sweep (to hurry labour along) until I'm 9 days over due. Then I'll be put in the diary for induction "when they have a free space" so potentially I could go a full 2 weeks over due and have a possible 9-9.5lb baby, which for my first could mean assisted delivery or even a C Section.

After all that rubbish, I came home and cried my eyes out and haven't really stopped crying since. Thankfully James cooked dinner and I've got my lavender warm wheaty bag on my achy tummy and a hot chocolate to make me feel better.

You need to stay in now little bean...

2008-08-21T10:34:00.001+01:00

All I really wanted whilst being on maternity leave was a couple of weeks or so resting, relaxing, nesting and socialising. I was hoping for at least 2 weeks at home and then perhaps she'd come on the third week (this week) and then we'd have some nice time together with her Daddy. Now, its all a bit different and I find myself for the first time in weeks hoping and praying she isn't about to make an appearance.

Unfortunately James' Nan had a stroke 2 weeks ago and it is looking more and more likely that she isn't going to recover from it. So Saturday, we're going to brave the M25 and the 2-3 hour journey and go see her. The worrying thing is that something will happen on the way there or the way back. I was led in bed worrying about it last night. There is no way James would be able to deliver a baby on the motorway but worse, there is no way I'd be able to cope without pain relief! We're going to take my notes and bags etc, but I am still incredibly nervous. Still, he's my husband and there is no way in this world I could let him go alone.

Bean if you can hear me, you need to stay put a few more days sweetheart, just so Mummy and Daddy can visit your Great Nanny Peggy. Please do not go putting your Mummy through anything whilst we're away from home.

The worst thing is, she's totally and fully engaged, I've been getting niggles for the past couple of days and today I have really bad backache, all of which I know are quite possible signs. Fingers crossed she's not in a hurry to make an appearance as the alternative is just too much to even bare thinking of.

The Waiting Game....

2008-08-15T18:39:00.001+01:00

Okay, I am all for a bit of me time during maternity leave, but this is the end of my second week off and I'm rather hoping that Bean is going to make an arrival sooner rather than later. I feel I am wasting time on my own at home when I could be spending time getting to know our baby.

I think the worse thing is that all the cleaning and tidying I want to do seems like such a huge effort now and all I am really capable of doing is resting and relaxing, which is great, I know I should be making the most of it blah blah blah, but that doesn't make it more interesting or less boring does it?

I must go through all our stuff in the nursery at least once a day, praying for the day to come soon when she'll be able to wear the pretty outfits we've brought her and play with the toys that are eagerly awaiting in their boxes all new and shiny.

Saying that, the other side of me is getting quite anxious now and every time I feel a twinge or a ache/pain, I start thinking "Oh God, what if this is it?" "Am I ready for labour?" and get a bit panicky about it all! I can't win can I? I think its normal to feel that level of anticipation though.

So Bean, please come soon, but before you do, give mum a few warning signs....!

Second Week of Maternity Leave....

2008-08-13T20:06:00.001+01:00

So this is week two of maternity leave and I have to say, I'm rather enjoying it! Although last week was spent poorly sick in bed due to a really bad tummy bug (imagine me screaming at a midwife in the delivery suite down the phone insisting I was in early labour!) I am much more enjoying this week. So far I have spent more money than I should have, baked some nice oat cookies, had some lie ins, finished a good book (the secret life of the slummy mummy - really recommend it) and had lots and lots of afternoon naps and lazy bubble baths.

However, I am now 37 weeks and 3 days pregnant and totally ready for this baby to come out and meet us. I had a midwife appointment today, no issues (I'm so lucky to be having such a good pregnancy) and baby is engaged, so she is all ready to go! I just have to convince her that its okay to come out any time now, I'm ready and raring to go.

Birth is quite a scary thought. I know I have to do it, I know its going to hurt but I don't know when its going to start and I don't know how I'm going to cope, so its more like a fear of the unknown, which I suppose is worse than actually knowing. All I know is that I'm lucky to have a really supportive husband who is great at rubbing my back, so I'm sure he'll make me feel lots better when the time comes.

From this weekend, I am starting "Operation Baby Out!" and will be doing everything I can think of to get her out! If you have any ideas or tried and tested methods.... answers on a postcard please....!

I'm officially a lady of leisure (for a few months anyway!)

2008-08-01T15:51:00.001+01:00

So, maternity leave is here and how weird does it feel?! Good weird obviously and a relief but still weird all the same. I thought I would really love the fact that I wouldn't have to go into the office for months and months but actually, I feel like I'm missing out on something. I know as soon as Bean arrives, my priorities will change and I shall want to be with her and not worry about work in the slightest.

Work were great on my last day and presented me with a lovely present (a bouncing rocker chair type thingy) and a card signed by all. My boss gave a thoughtful speech and told them all that I would be back and doing a few keeping in touch days, which was nice for them to know.

Baby is doing well. Moving quite a bit, which is fun because I can watch my tummy making all sorts of shapes, weird but reassuring too. She has moved down to be 1/5 engaged, which is all good news, she's moving in the right direction!

Here is me this week

I am now 35+4 weeks pregnant. Can't believe that baby could be here in a week! Although, knowing my luck, she wont be here for 5! We are both so ready to meet our little baby girl, I simply cannot wait to hold her in my arms.

Heat and Pregnancy do not mix ....

2008-07-28T17:32:00.002+01:00

Okay so here is another moany post. I am sick and tired of all the heat! Who told the world its okay to be so hot whilst I am 35 weeks pregnant exactly? I have been sitting on the sofa most of the afternoon, with a fan directly on my face, only moving to pee or get more water with ice! I am finishing work this week, thank goodness, but I have no idea how I am going to cope 2 days in my hot office trying to concentrate on work when all I shall want to do is strip off and lay on the cool leather sofas we have at home!

We had to put the fan into the bedroom last night too. I just can't sleep well with the heat, so its making it harder to have a few hours sleep (although I shall admit this is going to be good practise for when Bean arrives!).

Another horrible thing about the heat is my desperate urge to nest. This came on last week and each day I've had an overwhelming urge to clean, tidy and organise parts of the house that never really bothered me much before.

Oh and don't even talk to me about cooking, seeing as I'm still cooking all the weekly meals for James and I (although he does help when I'm too tired) when all I really want to do is go out and have somebody else cook for us instead! Its toooooooooooooooooo hot to be standing in a kitchen cooking a meal. Talking of which, its pasta bake tonight and I need to get the pasta on the boil or it wont be ready by the time he comes home from work (he needs to make the most of this as once Bean is here, he'll be doing most of the cooking I'm sure!).

So, in summary, if anybody is planning to conceive, try to avoid being heavily pregnant during the months of July and August, unless you're extremely brave.

I wonder if the neighbours would mind joining me in a little Rain Dance perhaps?

Backache and Baths....

2008-07-27T12:26:00.002+01:00

Not wanting to complain again on my blog but I have had constant backache/lower back pain for 2 days now and its even affecting my sleep (or lack of it as the case maybe) and the thought of a bath wasn't a nice one. I used to love baths but with the heat at the moment, the big bump and the stress of getting in, getting comfortable, trying to wash etc with hardly any room etc means that I have just resorted to showers now (that Bean actually really responds well to).

However, now I am 35 weeks, its "safe" again for me to use lavender which I find so incredibly relaxing and soothing, so I thought I may have a bath to try and feel more relaxed and get the benefits of the lavender oil onto my skin for the backache.

As I slipped into the bath, I instantly felt better. The warm water, bubbles and smell of lavender cuddled my body and I remembered why I loved baths so much pre-pregnancy. It really did help my back and I wished I had run one yesterday.

I laid there for almost an hour (until the water was quite cold!), read my "slummy mummy" book and listed to "magic" on the radio. Heaven.

It actually got me thinking about a water birth. If water can have such a positive affect on my body in relation to pain in my back (which I know I shall also have in labour) then maybe a water birth is a good idea. However, pain relief and water births do not go hand in hand, so we'll have to see how I cope first.

Now I am suitably relaxed, I shall go back to reading my book and make the most of my Sunday afternoon. I shall be having many more baths with lavender now!

Little Bean is on the move....

2008-07-24T20:21:00.003+01:00

Around the same time every night without fail, I sit on the sofa, with my feet up and watch Bean make my tummy move. Its such a weird and wonderful sight. At first I used to really freak out at the fact something inside me was making my tummy move, stick out and make waves! Now, I think its lovely and its a very special moment between me and my baby.

As I write this, my little girl is moving her feet across my bump, just underneath my boobs. Its quite big, strong movements, but also delicate and irregular. How amazing is that? I'm sure that some people will read this and think I'm crazy but if you're a Mum or a Mum to be, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Just how amazing is the human body to be able to grow something, from 2 cells? It doesn't feel long ago that we found out we were expecting our first child and although I knew I was pregnant and felt very much pregnant, I didnt really bond with our baby until she started moving. Now not only is she moving herself but she's moving my tummy around too! What a lovely strong baby girl we have. I don't think I have ever loved something so much without even seeing it properly.

5 weeks to go and I will be able to hold her in my arms. I simply cannot wait. x

It's a bit early for labour surely?

2008-07-23T13:30:00.003+01:00

Last night I had the weirdest night so far during pregnancy. I felt a bit strange after coming home from work, so dozed on the sofa and did the easiest dinner possible - quiche and chips. I went to bed after dinner was on and led there not really understanding what was going on with my body but knew I felt strange. My husband came home and asked me if I was okay, obviously didnt look too bright. I managed dinner and then just sat on the sofa for a couple of hours before suggesting an early night. Getting off to sleep was okay but I found myself waking up with pains low down every hour or so and had many trips to the bathroom.

Once morning came, I still felt strange but had some breakfast (which didnt stay down too long) and felt lots of pressure pushing down. I kept thinking in the back of my mind that I was showing signs of early labour. This was such a scary thought. My husband noticed it too and was actually reeling off a list of early labour symptoms to me whilst I sat on the toilet feeling rather dizzy. Very helpful James, thank you!

I managed to go to the office but still had this weird odd feeling that I have now and I really cannot put my finger on what it actually is. Eventually, I gave in and rang my midwife who believed it could be either a water infection or tummy bug. Great. That's all I need! I don't want to get poorly this late during pregnancy and especially with only 3 days left to work in the office. I have to see my GP tomorrow for her verdict.

Just for preparation purposes, I have cleaned out my desk, packed it all up and I'm ready to go now. I have bits of work to get finished but nothing urgent and all the training of my workload has now been done, so I feel better about that.

Its weird thinking that my body and my baby are getting ready and preparing for labour. What an amazing feeling. Actually, the baby has been moving a lot more than normal today and I can feel pressure heading south, so I know it has to be that she's moving down to get ready for the big day. We always said that we wanted her to come 2 weeks early, but I would really rather she didnt come yet, I'm only 34+4, so its far too early and I worry that her body wouldn't be able to cope with the outside world yet.

So please, if you're reading this, I need lots of "not yet please" baby stay in vibes. I still haven't listened to my preparation for labour CD enough!!

Too tired to work....

2008-07-22T10:47:00.002+01:00

I didn't want to turn this blog into a place where all I do is moan but today I am grumpy, so unfortunately it's going to have to be a winge.

I am 34 weeks and 2 days pregnant, I had approximately 4-5 hours sleep last night, up to the bathroom 3 times (regardless of how much I drink during the day or before bedtime!) and my hayfever is bad, so my throat, head, eyes and nose are all sore and running. Not a very glamourous mum-to-be today I'm afraid.

So, I'm sitting at my desk, trying so hard to find the motivation to actually do more work but its just not happening. I have enough work to get me through the day but then this afternoon I am training somebody else on what I do (well most of it) and she will be starting to do it for me. I haven't actually decided when I will make her do it from, but I'm thinking sooner the better, so at least if she struggles, she still has a couple of days with me in the office to ask for help. Not that I want to help her do my job for me naturally.

I'm trying to stay positive by thinking that this is as bad as its going to get before labour. Always feeling tired, miserable, peeing for England and just wanting to sleep is as bad as pregnancy gets before labour and at least with childbirth you get pain relief and have your baby at the end of it, which is more than I'm getting now!

5 days is all I have to do at work now, so why does it feel like a lifetime and why is the day insisting on passing so slowly? I guess looking at the time on my laptop every 5 minutes isn't really helping is it?

I think I may just go for a wander around the office and stretch my legs, that will waste a few minutes.......

Hormones anybody? Free to a good home...

2008-07-14T10:53:00.003+01:00

So I'm sat at work thinking there are so many other things I'd rather be doing right now and the thought of having to be here for another 11 working days is rather depressing. I am pretty sure its just my hormones getting the better of me but I could burst into tears at any given moment for no good reason at all.

I think its going to get worse before it gets better as well. Take Saturday for example. My closest friends (well a couple of them) had organised a small baby shower for me. I know its not really the "done thing" in England but I just saw it as a nice opportunity to get all the girlies together and have a laugh, a little chat about baby and use it as a nice opportunity to spend some time with them before baby arrives. It really wasn't as I expected it to be. We were all rather bored and ended up just talking, eating and leaving. I had dreams of playing "guess the weight and date" etc but we didnt do any of that. I must sound really selfish and ungrateful but I'm really not. Perhaps just a bit disappointed which is magnified because of the raging hormones I have right now.

I even managed to cry myself to sleep last night because my husband accidently hit me with his elbow in bed. I got into a right grumpy mood, burst into tears and demanded he turn the TV off and not speak to me. It sounds silly now looking back at it but I felt awful. I must admit, I do really feel sorry for my poor Husband at the moment. Not only have I given him a huge list of things I want doing around the house before the baby arrives but he has to cope with my mood swings, hormones, tearful outbursts and grumpiness. I'm sure he often wonders why he married me in the first place. Nevermind, a few more weeks to go and hopefully we'll have a beautiful baby to cuddle, which will make it all worth it. I can't wait.

In the meantine, if anybody wants my dreaded hormones........... they're yours!

So today I've been thinking about breast feeding...

2008-07-09T12:19:00.000+01:00

Its lunch time at work and I'm reading "top tips for breast feeding" and have come over all emotional (hormones are a glorious part of being pregnant don't you know?). I think the feeling that I will be able to give my child something that nobody else can give her is amazing. I will have the ability to give my child everything she needs that my body will produce for me all on its own. How wonderful does that sound?

In my own mind, I know its not going to be easy. So many people give up within the first couple of weeks because of the pain and seeing as my pain threshold is really quite low, I'm going to have to be seriously determined not to stop so our baby can have the best possible start in life.

Lots of useful tips like having a "feeding pack" by the side of the sofa and bed is a great idea. Apparently a pack consists of bottled water and squash, biscuits and sweet snacks, the tv remote and your mobile phone. Sounds good to me!

Nobody in my family has been able to establish breast feeding for very long at all. I think my Aunty gave it a go with her first and lasted a couple of weeks and didnt try with her other 3 at all because of the pain and stress it caused having a crying baby, painful boobs and sleep deprivation. Well, its hardly a recipe for success is it? I have no idea how woman do it, but I really want to give it my best shot.

Apparently setting yourself little targets and milestones is the way to go. I think we'll aim for little targets in the beginning - 1 week, 2 weeks, 4 weeks, etc. Then if we make it, go for 3 months, 6 months etc. I think it really is the best start in life you can offer your newborn child.

So, I've decided I'm going to be very determined and give it the best I can give. I think my greatest motivation will be that none of my family have managed to do it. They already have a relatively low opinion of my parenting skills (not that Ive shown them yet anyway) so being able to say "you were wrong, I can do this, see?" will be very rewarding.

Armed with breast pads, nipple cream and a manual pump, I shall be ready for when Bean arrives. I'm actually rather excited about it now. What a strange Mummy to be I am.....!

So I thought I'd start a blog....

2008-07-08T17:32:00.000+01:00

I've heard so much about blogging but didn't really understand what all the fuss was about until I fell pregnant at Christmas 2007. I brought myself a Pregnancy Journal and vowed to write a little bit about how I was feeling and how the pregnancy was going. I thought this would not only be quite therapeutic for myself but a nice keepsake that I could give to our child once he/she was born.

After getting to 32 weeks and realising that I need to "catch up" on the 4 weeks that I haven't yet written, I have realised that I would much rather be on my laptop typing whenever I feel like it, rather than hand writing in a book.

So here I am. 32 weeks and 2 days pregnant and about to start the biggest journey of my life - motherhood. The last 7 months have gone so quickly. I have no idea what sort of Mum I am going to be and the thought of labour really scares me (well, show me a woman who wasn't scared of labour!) but I have thoughts and ideas on how I'd like our child to be raised and I guess we'll have to take it from there.

The hardest thing so far has to be the way people treat you. You're either public property because you have a bump or you're an invalid. You just cant win! At least work have been good to me, which was surprising considering as I work in a male dominated industry.

I am going to use this blog to diary not only the last few weeks of pregnancy but about being a new mum in 2008. So much has changed since my Mum had me (27 years ago) and much more pressure is put on women to do it all - have a career, be a good wife and a good mother, that I just have no idea how women manage it, well, I guess I'll soon find out.....!